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Episode 69 – Your Relationship With Yourself Is The Most Important One To Love – with Natalie Schlute

Your Relationship With Yourself Is The Most Important One To Love - Alice Agnello

What does self love truly mean?

Hey there Beautiful!

What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Do you love yourself or is it more the “It’s complicated” relationship status? Hopefully today’s interview, with Natalie Schlute, will help you answer those questions. It’s an honest and heartfelt interview with personal examples from Natalie. We talk about the relationship that we have with ourselves and how that affects our relationship with others, how we view our current circumstances, and how it will affect our future.

So who is Natalie Schlute?

Natalie is an intuitive life coach and law of attraction expert. She helps women manifest the life of their dreams by following their intuition and breaking down their limiting beliefs.

Her own personal journey led her from feeling lost, depressed, and struggling with chronic health issues to creating her dream business, attracting her soulmate husband, and experiencing abundance in her health and finances. 

Your Relationship With Yourself Is The Most Important One To Love - Alice Agnello

She has an online course and group coaching program “Step into Your Power Academy” as well as one on one coaching clients. You can find tons of free content in her Facebook Group, YouTube Channel, Podcast, and on Instagram.

What you will learn in this episode:

  • Why doing the inner work on yourself will help you attract the life you want.
  • How your beliefs will create the world around you.
  • What your thinking and believing will attract that into your life.
  • How your thoughts around relationships and dating will dictate what kind of relationship you will receive in return.
  • Why taking action will help bring you clarity for what you want.

And if you want to know more about Natalie, all the ways you can contact her are below.

There is some language that might not be suitable for young children so be sure to pop in you earphones if you have little ones around.

I’ll talk to you later, Beautiful!

Links mentioned in this episode and to contact Natalie:

Did you miss this fantastic episode about how we use busyness to keep us from doing what we REALLY want to do? Click HERE to listen now!

Transcript:

Alice Agnello: Hey Natalie, thanks so much for agreeing to be on the podcast, I really appreciate it.

Natalie Schlute: Well, I'm very happy to be here, Alice.

Alice Agnello: Tell my audience a little bit about you and what you do.

Natalie Schlute: I am an intuitive life coach and a law of attraction expert. So, I help one on one clients manifest whatever it is that they're looking for in their life. But I also have some digital online courses that people can go through to understand their intuition, manifestation and do a lot of that inner work of reframing their mindset and their beliefs that also includes some group coaching as well. So yeah, I just help people have a better life really.

Alice Agnello: Which is the hard thing sometimes they explain because a lot of people think that their life is the way that it is and that's how it's supposed to be? Like they don't realize how much more it could be for them. I like to say, if they got out of their own way and really analyze what they are thinking and believing, they might actually accomplish more and be happier.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. For me, I think that was my biggest struggle in life, which is why I do what I do now is, my younger years were very stressful. I was very emotional. I went through a big depression in my teens and 20s. Did drugs for an entire year, I don't even remember because I was so depressed, I was trying to cover everything up. I didn't realize in my teens and early 20s that I was the co-creator of my life, that the thoughts that I was thinking, the patterns, my habits and who I was, was the cause of why my life was the way it was. I just thought this is how it is, you've focused on all the horrible things in your life and you relive them over and over again in your mind and you dwell on things.
That was just my pattern for a very long time. Once I found personal development and I started doing the inner work, I hit this breaking point when I was 19, I felt like I was going crazy. I was like, "I can't do drugs anymore, I can't cover it up, I had to figure it out." So, cold turkey just stopped all of that, and I really had to do a lot of work on myself for many years, and I'm still doing the inner work. It's a never-ending ending game and journey and it's beautiful, but yeah, that was where it really started for me, my breaking point of figuring out how do I make my life better, and I just started reading book after book and journaling and doing the inner work and shifting how I saw my life and the way my life was going.
It was an evolution of a lot of different things of learning the law of attraction, learning that I am in control of my own emotions. I can choose my own emotions, I can choose the way I think about things and just constantly being self aware, and developing that self awareness, what I want and choosing very consciously what I wanted to keep and what wasn't serving me and what I need to let go of. That's just an ongoing process.

Alice Agnello: That's one of the reasons why I wanted to have Natalie on was because I look at women who are newly divorced, thinking about divorcing and or they're struggling with relationship with their spouse and or they're deciding that, "Do I want to get back in the dating?" All of that encompasses how you talk to yourself, how you can put yourself out there in a better way to then attract the right relationship that you want in your life. Natalie, can you tell me maybe what's one thing you see consistently about women when they start to decide to either date or change relationship, what's something that they struggle with the most or what's the mistake that they seem to do?

Natalie Schlute: It all comes down to our basic beliefs, the repetitive patterns of thoughts around dating, around putting yourself out there. So if you take a moment to stop and notice, "Why am I feeling weird about this? Why am I feeling resistant about this?" Usually there's another belief behind it. Something subconsciously that you're not even aware of, that's on autopilot, whether it's beliefs around, "I'm too old to be dating, no one's going to want me, I'm divorced, I have three kids, guys don't want that, women don't want that."
We have these thoughts and these belief floating in the background of our mind, and if we're not aware of our own thoughts and what's coming up for us, if we're just on autopilot, because we're so busy, right? Life gets busy, we're giving, giving, giving to the kids and it's not ... we often become unaware of what's going on within us. We stop looking at what's really happening inside me, and how is that affecting my perception of dating? How is that affecting how I show up for dating men, with the energy that you're putting out there, the personality that you're putting out there.
So, it really comes down to a lot of that stuff and doing a little bit of the inner work to just reflect on what's really going on inside of me, and does it serve me? Is this something that I really want to hold onto? Is it making my dating life better? Is it making it easier or is it making it harder? Is it pushing people away? Is it creating resistance, whether it's within yourself or projecting that, so then other people are resistance to you as well. So, I mean, that's really the foundation of shifting how you feel about dating, about love, about loving yourself first, so that you're able to feel that love experience, that love and then have the ability to receive that as well.

Alice Agnello: Because a lot of women, I think they've been giving, giving and giving that love to others. So they might feel like I don't deserve it, I don't need it, and or I need to lose 10 pounds or I need to be prettier, or I need to update this. I mean, that inner voice has been so loud in their mind for so many years. Those beliefs could've been started by just one person saying one thing to them one time in high school or junior high or something, and then that became the foundation of how they look at the whole entire world. Then they're looking for that evidence to prove to them that, "No, I can't date someone because I do have three kids, because my mom didn't work out that way or something like that."

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. These beliefs, it's amazing how we hold on beliefs for decades and decades. The things that we carry around with us, the hurt, the pain. Like you said, someone said something to me in middle school and you're still living that out. When it comes to the way the universe works, if we look at the law of attraction, which is the most powerful law in the universe, it's more powerful than gravity because gravity does not apply to all things in the universe, it doesn't even apply to all things on this planet. But the law of attraction is, we become an energetic match to whatever we draw into our life. We choose our own vibration, our own emotions and how we show up, and every thought has its own vibration, and then we attract that back.
So if you are carrying around beliefs that, "I need to lose 10 pounds if I'm going to find someone." That is a vibration that is of low self-worth, you don't feel like you're worthy enough until you do A, B and C. Therefore, even if you did find someone, you are going to attract someone who also has low self-worth or someone who will treat you like you need to lose that 10 pounds. Is that really what we want? What we are thinking, what we're feeling is what we are then going to attract into our life. So it's important to be aware of what we're creating first, so that we can be intentional about what we want to create in the future and in the present and who we really want to draw in.
So, I think that foundation really comes from shifting from the inside out of deciding who I want to be and how I want to feel, and then making the conscious choice, "I'm going to go feel that way, I'm going to go feel worthy no matter what my weight is, I'm going to go feel worthy of receiving love instead of just giving, giving, giving." Because if you're that type of person who has completely neglected yourself for years and years, because you've given everything to your children and now you're trying to find a partner, well, you may end up finding a partner that is just going to suck all the energy out of you. That's going to be a taker. Do you really want that pattern? Do you really want that to continue in your life?
So, we need to reflect on ourselves in order to be a magnet for what we truly want. Are you a magnet right now for what you want or are there some things that you may want to shift? Sometimes it's just watching yourself, watching your own thoughts and becoming aware of what's going on, that in itself can shift the belief. Once you become aware of it, you're like, "Oh shoot, I had no idea, I've been saying that to myself for the last five, 10, 20 years." Once you realize that, then you can naturally change it. The awareness almost starts to dissolve the power of that belief quite often.
If it doesn't dissolve right away through the awareness, then it may take a little bit of training, just like you would train a dog to sit, sit, sit until it finally does it every time, you might need to train your brain in order to do that, you might need to tell yourself new beliefs that are more positive than oppose the old beliefs, instead of I need to lose 10 pounds because no one's going to want me unless I'm thinner. Well, you need to say, "I'm beautiful just as I am. I radiate amazing energy, no matter what my weight is, I'm at a healthy weight now and always am at a healthy weight, whether I gain 10 pounds or lose 10 pounds, there's a normal ebb and flow of weight." That's completely fine.
I have like a 15 pound range that I bounced back and forth, but I'm always in a healthy range and it doesn't make me any less worthy or deserving of being with my husband or feeling attractive, it's just as an individual. So, it's starting to replace some of those old stories, those old beliefs, those old thoughts that we tell ourselves and sign new ones that feel better, that are more based in the truth, that are more based in something that's going to lift you up energetically, so that you're able to receive and create what you truly want in your life.

Alice Agnello: Do you feel that it's better for a woman to work on herself a little bit more before she's ready to get out there and start dating again or where do you come from with that?

Natalie Schlute: I don't like a lot of strict rules. The reason for that is, we're always going to be doing the inner work. There's always going to be something more that we can focus on. For some people, maybe they do need a little bit of time, if it's a fresh divorce and there's still a lot of pain, you might want to take some time to just reacquaint yourself with you. For others, they can be doing the inner work while they're out dating. There's no hard and fast rules because there just isn't like, "That's not how it is." Right? We can create our own rules and what feels right for us.
If you notice your pattern is, "I can't be alone, I can't be by myself." Then maybe that's a sign that you do need to be by yourself for a little while. The reason why you're not comfortable being by yourself is because you're not comfortable with your own inner world, with your own inner talk, with what's going on with you, which means there needs to be a little bit more work done there. You need to get to know yourself, you need to get to know your ego. That repetitive thought pattern that all the stuff that's coming up from your subconscious, because until you get to know you, it's going to be challenging to be intentional with what you're attracting. If you don't know who you are, then you don't know what you're attracting into your life.
We're always doing the inner work. My husband and I, we are doing inner work on an individual basis all the time. You're never at a place where, "Oh, I have to get at this point and then I can start dating." There's a spectrum. If you find someone that's going to be doing their own inner work, that's life, right? We're always evolving and growing, and so you have to figure out if that what feels right for you. I always just recommend, follow your intuition. Your intuition will always guide you in the right direction. So, if something feels good, light, expansive, then you're probably on the right track with making that choice, whether you need to spend a little time on you, and or do that inner work while you're out there dating, I think both are perfectly fine, perfectly acceptable. It's really just what you resonate with.

Alice Agnello: Because women always want to have it done as fast as possible. You know what I mean? Like I want to get there, I just want to get it done, I just want to finish it or know what the goal or the agenda is, but sometimes that's not how life works and you won't even realize what you're learning until ... maybe two years later you're like, "Oh, I had to do that first, and now I understand why went through that, apply it now to my life." When you're trying to attract that perfect person to your life, what are some guidelines that you give women to think about as you're trying to attract that person to you?

Natalie Schlute: Confidence is probably the sexiest thing you can have, right? The sexiest thing you can admit if you feel good about yourself, if you love yourself unconditionally, then you will just radiate. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, your energy will be off the charts. If you feel good about you, if your hair's a mess, you don't have any makeup on and you still feel good from the inside out, it doesn't matter. You will find that right person, you will attract that right person. It's not about the hair and the makeup and looking cute, and all that stuff is great because it does boost our confidence and go for it, make yourself feel good. Do your self-care do your hair, do your makeup if you want to, but you can radiate that beauty without any of that stuff too.
So, it starts with all the self-love. If you have that self-love then you will easily attract the right person. No doubt about it. Just to tail off of what you mentioned a moment ago, I also believe that sometimes we need to learn lessons through experience, right? Action brings clarity in our life. So, it's not about getting things done, there is no done. I don't care what project you have. There is no I'm finished, because life is evolving and expansive, our souls and our energy is always evolving and expansive. There is no end game. There is no finality, and then you're done and you've learned it all. That's just not how this universe works. So hat's something we need to let go of.
But also, I believe that every person that you interact with, every date that you go on, every relationship you've ever had was there for you to learn and grow. Through those relationships, through those dates, it prepares you for whatever's next. I went through a lot in my own personal relationships. I had a very serious boyfriend in high school, we were together for three and a half years, and then I was so heartbroken in my early 20s. I went into a deep depression and I was so hurt that I didn't want to let anyone in for like seven years. I lightly dated but specifically did not choose to hold a boyfriend because I had so much inner pain. So at one point I was finally like, "It's time."
I was in my mid 20s, it was like, "It is time to shift this pattern and I'm going to be ready to allow someone in." The beauty of that is, when you make a decision to allow someone in, I mean, I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready for like, "All of a sudden, not being serious for seven years." And then, "Oh, I'm going to find my husband and get married in the next year. No, that's not how it works." I had to then practice opening up, by then had to practice being a better communicator. I had to experience a couple of relationships that helped prepare me and set me up for being ready for the mature relationship that I'm in now with my husband, had I not gone through those other guys, and had I not had those other relationships to learn the lessons that I needed to learn and to experience what I did, I would not have been ready for where I am right now.
A lot of it is, we have to take action too, the dating is an important part. It's a skillset to be able to date, to walk in, to say hello to someone, to sit down, to have a conversation, to be open, to be available, to be honest. Brutally honest and just authentic with who you are and how you're expressing yourself so that the other person gets to know the real you. Often we try to create this facade that everything's okay. "Oh yes, my life is perfect and no I'm never emotional, I never cry." That's just not life, right? The more authentic and just real you can be with yourself the more you can love yourself. The more you can express your thoughts, your feelings, your past, your hurts, your pain, the good, the bad, the ugly the easier it will be to draw in the right person.
Because if you're trying to be someone else, if you're trying to be this perfect, pretty dolled up person, and everything's okay, it's actually going to take you a little bit longer. It's going to take you longer to find the right person because you're not being true to yourself and you're not being true to them. So then it's going to be very superficial in that dating scene instead of being really just raw and honest. Because when you are honest, you will find someone and attract someone who is also very honest and very open and communicates, and is there to have that similar experience with you. So, from the very beginning, do your best to create the experience that you want to create. Like, what do you want your actual future marriage to look like, or your future longterm relationship to look like? And start acting that way now.

Alice Agnello: Because if you want to attract that ... I mean, if you're going to be fake and superficial, because it feels sometimes like, Instagram, Facebook, social media, has created this fake person persona that is perfection, and then I always feel like when people then meet the other person for the first time, there's a little bit of a jarring that goes into it, because you realize, "Oh, there's a lot of Photoshop that went on in that photo that I saw two weeks ago." I just hate to see that, and I feel for the younger generations, there's a lot of that going on. So I feel like if you're willing to put all that out there and have that fake part of you, you're going to attract a person that is going to be just as fake to you, and you won't get to develop that really deep relationship of someone knowing you just as well as you know yourself.

Natalie Schlute: Exactly. You're really creating this barrier, and who knows, I mean, that might work for a little while, that superficial relationship, it may go on for several months, but it's going to take you longer to evolve to the real deep, like the deeper connection, because if it could stay superficial for a very long time, and then once you hit that deeper connection, you may find out that's not really what I want. There may be things that you find out about someone down the road, you can ... I don't want to say waste of time because there is no waste of time, but you're going to learn the hard lesson of if I do this, if I maintain the superficial, I have to feel perfect, I have to feel happy, I have to show them only my good side, and you do that for several months.
Then who knows how many months into a relationship, three, six, nine months into the relationship, and then finally you start communicating or talking about the deep stuff. You might find out, "Oh, this is not, this may or may not be what you really want." Then you can learn that lesson now crosstalk be you instead of taking all that time to figure it out crosstalk

Alice Agnello: It just sounds so exhausting. You know what I mean? It's such a lot amount of work to be someone that you think someone else wants you to be, and to go out to self-love. So, how would you describe that to me? Or if I didn't know that I wasn't being a person that had a lot of self-love, like what are some signs that I need to look for, or how do I get better at that.

Natalie Schlute: I love that question because I did a lot of self-love work five years ago. When you ask people, "Do you love yourself?" Everyone's going to say yes, everyone will say yes, because they don't realize that there are patterns in their life that are actually a reflection of a lack of self-love. So, some of my big things that I had to work on was my perfectionism. If you are a perfectionist, you are constantly putting yourself down because you feel like you're not good enough. You hold these extremely high standards for yourself because you want to succeed, you want to be great at everything, but you are always going to fall short because even if you do reach that goal, you've already set a higher goal for yourself.
So you're actually subtly putting yourself down quite often, because you never feel good enough. So if you ever feel like you are a perfectionist, that is one side that there is a little bit of lack of self love there, you're not unconditionally loving yourself, because unconditional love means you love yourself no matter what, no matter what's happening, no matter what's going on, no matter what weight you are, no matter how happy or sad you feel, you still love yourself. You actually take time to do your own self-care, whether that is giving yourself an hour, a week to meditate, to read, whether it's a daily practice, whatever that looks like for you. If there are things that you're not doing for yourself and you keep putting you off, then you're not honoring and respecting yourself.
So, it's a lot of little things like that, that are very subtle that you may not even realize you're doing. But self-love is so important because you have to be able to honor and respect yourself. No matter how hard things get in your life to still love and trust that you can get through it, that you can be anything you want to be, that you can do anything that you want to do. You can also just reflect on, like we were talking about earlier, reflect on your own self talk. What's going on in your mind. If you're putting yourself down, even in the slightest way. "Oh, I really need to lose that 10 pounds." Or, "Oh gosh, I look so tired and crappy today, and I feel this, I feel that." You're energetically drawing yourself down instead of lifting yourself up. It's okay, we all have ups and down days, right? No life is perfect. There's always going to be challenges, but it's how you view those little things in your life, and then move forward with it as well.

Alice Agnello: It's just even when I noticed one day where I was talking to myself in the mirror and I was like, "God, my hair really sucks, it just sucks, I hate it ...." Then I realized what I was saying to myself. I was like, "Okay, wait, let's put this in perspective. Okay, today might not be a great hair day, but that doesn't mean my hair sucks overall in general. That's not a great way." It was such a light bulb moment, I'm staring at myself, looking at my hair and thinking, "No, that's not right." I got to remember when I do my hair then leave, not to talk that way to myself, just that little bit can be ... if you take that and another thing of I don't like my clothes and I hate this.
It's like just getting ready in the morning, I dulled my great mood I had when I got up down like 50%, just from this evil voice that I have in my head telling me all of the things that I don't fit this shirt anymore, those pants don't fit. Then I realize, why am I hanging on to those pants? Why do I have it in my closet if I'm not going to most likely fit into them, and it's making me feel bad every single time I walk into the closet. Then it was interesting snowball effect that I had that day with just all those little tiny things that I started noticing. It's been a process that whole self-love because I think a lot of women also get a ton of guilt.
I tell my friends and family and my listeners all the time, my dad has a saying that the only person who can give you a guilt trip is yourself. And of course, I always say, "Yeah my mom's really good." But I understand his whole point is that if you are trying to do better and do things for yourself, women sometimes have a hard time doing that because there's a guilt. Like if they send money or they take just time out for themselves, they always sometimes will feel like, "I should be doing something else. I don't understand how this is productive." But it is so productive in helping your mind and your overall spirit by actually concentrating on yourself for once.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. Two big points with everything that you just said, it's very easy to look at your current circumstances and your current life, and then your emotions are based off of what you're currently seeing in front of you, right? It's very easy to let your environment and your current circumstances and how you feel today, how you look in the mirror today to influence your emotions, your thoughts, and your being. But today is only here because of what you have manifested in the recent past, what you prepaid the last few years, how you've been showing up the last few months in the last few days and what you've been thinking and all of that. How you've showed up for your life in the past is what created the manifestation of what today looks like for you.
So, if you want to change your future, you have to choose to look beyond your current circumstances, to look beyond your weight today, your hair today, what your finances, your relationship, your life looks like today, and choose to prepay a new future for yourself by choosing new thoughts. I'm going to choose to think I'm beautiful, even though I still want to lose 10 pounds, you can still lose that 10 pounds, but still feel really good today. That's just a choice of how you think and how you feel.

Alice Agnello: That's a hard one, because weight is something that women I know struggle with, because they see it all the time. There's evidence all the time, whether it's social media, magazines, on TV movies, or whatever you want to call it. So I love how you phrase that, that yes, I still can and want, because a lot of times I try to struggle with the self-love is to love your body the way it is, and I understand and I get it. But at the same time, I don't want to now not say to myself that I'm not going to still try as hard as I go when I go to the gym. You know what I mean? Because I still would like to possibly fit into the size I did just a couple months ago before coronavirus like crosstalk

Natalie Schlute: Yeah.

Alice Agnello: Because it's a whole new ball game. When I talked to a lot of friends that I know that they're all itching to go back to the gym, you know what I mean? It's just a different scene. So I like the way you phrased it, is that just because I'm going to love myself the way I am today, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on trying to possibly get rid of the 10 pounds that I have gained in the last three months.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. It's just a shift of how you think and how you feel. Like I mentioned, I have this 15 pound window of back and forth, which I've been doing for 20 years. It's not a new thing. People that know me, they know I expand a little bit and I contract a little and that's just me. 10 years ago I would have labeled it as a struggle, I struggled with my weight. The exact same thing is still happening now, but I don't call it a struggle now, I don't feel like it's a struggle now. I'm just okay, this is how Natalie is, Natalie, just in the winter likes to eat a little more. Sometimes she's not feeling great or maybe she's really happy on vacations, she likes to eat a little more.
Other times I just want to feel thin, and then I drop the weight and it's no big deal. I have a more loving, happy relationship with the ebb and flow of my weight. Nothing has really changed. The ebb and flow was happening 10 years ago, it was just 10 years ago. I thought it was something bad, I thought it was a struggle, I thought it was something wrong with me that I couldn't control my weight. Now, I just love it, I'm happy no matter where I'm at. So, it's just changing how you think and how you feel around it. It's such a simple shift, we need to focus on not letting our external reality determine our internal reality, because when you do that, you are always going to be a victim to your circumstances and to your life.
If you choose to focus on being really mindful and choosing to create your own inner reality, your emotions and your thoughts and you decide, this is how I want to think, and this is how I want to feel, well, then you shift from the inside out and all of a sudden you are now the master of your own emotions, and now your outer reality starts changing. It's this ripple effect, it can go both ways. You either let your reality affect you from the inside or you choose to start from the inside, and then your outer reality changes. You have that control, you have that choice to do that for yourself.

Alice Agnello: I think that's hard one for people to understand. I get it, you get it. You know what I mean? Because I've seen it, I've done it, I've done the work of like, "Okay, just because that happened in the past and that's how it is and that's created my reality, how I want it now, doesn't mean that I have to say that this is how it's going to then be now as I move forward, if I make different choices and different decisions, and then also to keep continuing to make different choices and thoughts and decisions as I still keep going towards the new thing that I want or my new reality of how I want my life to be."

Natalie Schlute: Yeah, there's a cause and effect and you unconsciously make the choice to let the cause of your external environment determine your internal environment, or you can do the opposite. You can choose to cause a chain from the inside, which will then make an effect on the outside of you. We all have that choice, it's just I was never taught that when I was younger. It took me 25, 30 years to figure that one out. Once you know that, you can take your power back, you can make your choices and shift your life in a really incredible way.
Then I wanted to hit one more point that you also mentioned earlier was, and I really feel like it was around self-worth, because often we feel like we have to earn our worth, we have to earn our love, we have to do A, B and C in order to feel good, in order to feel okay, in order to receive praise. That really comes from this deeply rooted belief in childhood, where we got praised when we were good, we got praised when we were quiet, when we listened to our parents, when we got good grades and we weren't fighting with our siblings and all of those things. So, many of us have this belief that we have to be all of these things, we have to be this certain way, we have to look this certain way. Our life has to look like this in order to receive love-

Alice Agnello: And approval.

Natalie Schlute: And approval.

Alice Agnello: You know what it mean to get that approval from the external world. I mean, forget the approval of yourself, it's mostly going after that approval of those around you or those people that you feel like you have to get their approval in order to earn their love.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. That pattern, I mean, it shows up in so many areas of our life and actually it causes us to then rely on our external reality. It causes us to rely on approval from other people in order to feel good, because we remember we felt good when people praised us when we were younger, so we keep that pattern going as an adult. But the truth of the matter is we don't need approval from anyone else. We don't need acceptance from anyone else. I wish someone had taught me this when I was a child, because I spent most of my life trying to get approval from other people, living my life out of beliefs of, "Oh, this would make someone else feel good." I didn't even know I was doing this, but instead of living my life for me, I was living my life for the approval of other people.
When you live your life from that way, you're never going to be fully satisfied, you're always going to feel like something's off, like something's wrong. It's kind of this addiction, right? Like we keep trying to be someone in order to get that approval instead of just choosing to feel good, instead of just choosing to feel worthy, instead of just choosing I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to, no matter what anyone else thinks, and making yourself happy, because that's really what we're here to do, that's actually the biggest life lesson you can have, is you need to be selfish, you need to do what feels good for you, what feels right for you and just choose to hold your own space and let everything else bounce off of you.
Because if you can do that, you can manifest anything you want in your life with so much more ease, you can hold your energy, hold your space, hold your positive thoughts, your positive emotions, yourself love, yourself worth and just don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of you.

Alice Agnello: And to know that that is okay-

Natalie Schlute: That okay.

Alice Agnello: That you're not going to get a 100% approval. You might not even get 70% approval, but as long as you have your own approval and know that this is going to make me happy if I do this, or I'm not going to do that because I know that it's going to create havoc in my life and to stick to that of your own self and self-worth, I think is the key to that whole entire situation.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. It's impossible to get approval from everyone. There's so many people on this planet. So many different personalities and everyone has different point of views, everyone has different opinions, everyone has their own way of how they think life should be. If they don't approve of you, it's because they're projecting their own stuff onto you. It has nothing to do with you. However anyone else feels, however anyone else reacts to you, they are reacting that way because of how they feel, not because of you. If they're upset with you or if they don't like the way you are, it's because you trigger something that they have a problem with. That's all that's going on, it's not even your problem to begin with.
Being a people pleaser was something that I've done most of my life and I'm just over it. It's not worth it, it's so not worth it anymore. You end up being so much happier when you please yourself, when you take care of yourself, when you love yourself. Then you just attract amazing people into your life, you attract people and friends and loved ones that really love you for you, and they love themselves for who they are and then everything changes, right? Your entire environment uplifts, and you create a better life for yourself because you decided to take care of you first. You decided to not care what other people think, you decided to be authentically you, and love yourself and know that you are worthy and deserving of having everything you could ever want.
You were born into this life being worthy and deserving. You don't have to earn your worth, you don't have to earn anything, you don't have to do anything, you are already worthy right now, right here, no matter what.

Alice Agnello: I think it's a perfect time with women in my age group that I love to talk to is that you can now have the time to actually do all the things that you've talked about. Like in this discussion that we've been having and to take the time and not feel rushed into doing anything you don't want to do or go ahead and put yourself two feet in and learn all the ways you figured all out to learn the different lessons along the way. Because as you said, you are definitely worth it a 100%.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. The inner work, it's always going, it should ... in my mind, it's just a part of your every day, just like you eat breakfast in the morning and you take your shower and you brush your teeth, you manage your thoughts, you manage your emotions, you choose to be aware and you choose to make little shifts every day. That's just it, the game never ends, it just becomes a part of you. It becomes a part of your habit to choose to feel better, to choose to love yourself, to choose to feel worthy and honor what you were feeling, honor what's going on within you.

Alice Agnello: Natalie, is there anything that I haven't asked you that you wanted to tell my listeners or anything?

Natalie Schlute: We did start with talking about relationships and then it ended up being this whole life thing. But that really is what relationships are, right? A relationship is you being connected to who you are as an independent individual, knowing your own thoughts, your own emotions, and just allowing yourself to be authentically you, and then you will naturally attract the right person. That's really just what it is when it comes to dating, when it comes to relationships, it's the inner work that draws a good match to you. I mean, it kind of close the book right there like that crosstalk

Alice Agnello: inaudible

Natalie Schlute: Just work on your own self-worth, your own self-love on communication, expressing yourself, being loving to yourself and just being as honest as possible. Everything you want in a partner is what you need to create within yourself. So, if anyone wants a little journal thing to do, start writing out what your dream man is, like, "What would that look like? What are your must haves? What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? How do you want to feel?" That's a really important one. How do you want to feel when you're with someone? Then figure out what would be great, but you would be able to negotiate on. This is actually something that I did, but once I hit my, like, I'm ready to date again, I made this dream list, and the funny thing was, I actually met my husband three months later after writing this list.
Now, we didn't start dating right away, it actually took a few years, and then once we were dating, it was up and down for a while. But I still drew him into my life because I got clear on what I wanted. I wasn't a 100% ready to receive that because I had to learn some lessons. But once we both learned the lessons we needed to, we came together when we were ready, and it was a beautiful thing. So, just get clear on what you want, and then once you see your list, like, "This is how I want to feel, this is what I want to experience in a relationship." You need to then become those things, you need to then master those things. If you want to feel secure and loved, you need to choose to feel that feeling every day, feel secure, feel love, master those emotions.
If you want someone that's honest and communicates, well, then you need to make sure that you are honest and communicating with everyone in your life. You're not putting out little white lies here and there, or downsizing things when you're really feeling something but you just don't say it. Do a lot of that self reflection because you will attract a match for what you're desiring and what you're expressing. So, that's always a fun little project to do, and just give yourself some nice reminders and just start loving yourself more, because you're worthy of having everything, you deserve to have everything already. So, as long as you remember that and you embody that, miracles will happen in your life, whether it's your dating relationship or other ways.

Alice Agnello: Oh, I love that. Thank you, Natalie for that.

Natalie Schlute: You're welcome.

Alice Agnello: At the end of every podcast interview, I ask the same three questions. So, tell me something that not a lot of people know about you.

Natalie Schlute: I am a big Disney fan. I have four sisters, and growing up my dad would call out all of us out of school. We were all sick one Friday out of every month, and we would do a three day weekend at Disneyland. So for a good 13 years of my life, I spent three days a month at Disneyland.

Alice Agnello: crosstalk

Natalie Schlute: crosstalk yeah, we asked the hotel one time on how many nights we stayed, and it was like an entire month. It was like 30 something days. They used to bring us cookies with our names written on them and everything, because we were such great guests there.

Alice Agnello: That's adorable. Okay. Name three things that you can't live without other than your family and friends.

Natalie Schlute: Movement. I have to move my body, just craves moving, I dance my whole life, whether it's getting out for a walk, going to the gym, lifting weights or just having a dance party in my living room. I need to move, I need to stretch, that's one of my number ones. I'm not happy if I'm not moving. Sunshine, I realized sunshine is a big one for me, and I feel much happier. I do believe that we have like a photosynthesis just like plants do, we need sun. So, even if it's 15 minutes, a couple days a week, getting out in the sun is really important for me.
Then I know I can live without this one, but if you look at my life I can't eat chocolate. I eat dark chocolate almost every day, and pretty much I have my entire 35 years. I've gotten periods where I've done some cleanses and not eating chocolate for a month or a couple of months at a time. But that's a hard one for me to break crosstalk

Alice Agnello: I will a 100% agree with you, I don't have any in the tasks right now. I'm developing hives at the moment and I keep telling myself, "No, this isn't a good thing, you should just let it go for a little while." I'm like, "No, I don't think I will."

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. It's definitely an addiction for me.

Alice Agnello: Yeah. If you could choose one song to play every time you enter to a room for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Natalie Schlute: I really thought about this question because I couldn't think of anything at first, when you told me you are going to ask me this question, so I had to do a little bit of research and I decided if I were going to pick my theme song, it would be Confident by Demi Lavato.

Alice Agnello: Very nice. I like it.

Natalie Schlute: I wanted something empowering, something that makes me feel good.

Alice Agnello: No, usually that's what I want people to do, is to find the one that you turn it on and you're like, "Yeah, that's the one, it's going to be it."

Natalie Schlute: Yeah. I think I might actually use that and start my day with it now. So I'm glad you asked me that question.

Alice Agnello: Natalie, how can people get ahold of you if they want to know more information? Of course, I will put all the links on the website, but just in case someone wants to know right away.

Natalie Schlute: Yeah, I'm all over social media. I have YouTube videos and my own podcast. So episodes are coming out a couple of times a week. I hang out a lot on Instagram, so that's a great place to shoot me a DM and message me. You can go to my website, I do have one on one coaching, and then I have my online course with group coaching as well. So there's a lot of options there. So yeah, people ... just search my name, everything's under Natalie Schlute. So it's very easy to find me online. All of my platforms are under my name. I have a Facebook group as well, where I'm giving you information and inspiration every day. So that's a fun one, The Successful Soul Community, and then my podcast is The Successful Soul podcast as well.
I would also love to give everyone a free self-love guided meditation. So we'll put that in the show notes as well. It's a meditation that I created probably three, four years ago. It's one that a lot of people get a lot of success from. I listened to it 90 days consecutively and it completely changed my own relationship with myself. It's really short, I think it's just five or six minutes, but it's a great one to listen to first thing in the morning, at nights, in the car, meditate with it, but it'll help you reprogram yourself for self-love, which will then help you attract more love into your life, feel it within you and help you attract your ideal mate as well.

Alice Agnello: Awesome. Thanks Natalie so much for being on the podcast, I really appreciate it. I loved the discussion.

Natalie Schlute: Oh, thank you for having me here. This was really great.

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Alice Agnello, Lifestyle and Success Coach

I'm Alice Agnello.

I’m a California raised, incurable romantic who was too snarky for the corporate world. I love show tunes, chai tea, and all things British. My mission? To help women rediscover who they are, after their kids have grown.

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