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Episode 79 – Why IT IS Different Today For Our Kids Than When We Grew Up – with Eileen Der Aris

Why IT IS Different Today For Our Kids Than When We Grew Up - Alice Agnello

Kids have it so different than when I grew up!

Hey there Beautiful!

I’m sure every generation says this about the younger generation, “What is with these kids today?”

I feel like our kids should’ve had it so much easier than when we were growing up but at the same time, I can recognize that maybe that’s not exactly true.

I went looking for someone to help me understand why there’s such a disconnect from us Gen X’ers to our Gen Z children.

Luckily I found Eileen Der Aris.

You will learn in this episode:

  • How young adults are developing their independence later than when we did.
  • Why it really is harder today for young adults to make it on their own compared to when we were their age.
  • Why 20 year olds of today are not as mature as we were at that same age.
  • How to help them become more independent and not rely on you so much.
  • How to communicate with your young adult children.

So who is Eileen Der Aris?

Eileen Der Aris is a certified life coach for young adults ages 17-29 who need more clarity and confidence in figuring out their next steps in life. Eileen has been working closely with families for six years and before that as a special education teacher.

Young adults often live their lives, thinking they have no choices with their situations. Once those negative, heavy thoughts that run through their minds are quieted, the opportunities that open up for them are limitless!! Eileen also gets what the parents are going through since she has two young adults of her own who are 20 and 23 years old. 

She says that, “Life can be challenging but can be amazingly full of opportunities for growth, success, adventure, and wonder.”

And if you want to know more about Eileen, all the ways you can contact her are below.

I’ll talk to you later, Beautiful!

Links mentioned in this episode and to contact Eileen:

Did you miss this fantastic episode about how to move forward in midlife? Click HERE to listen now!


Alice Agnello: Hey, Eileen. Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today.

Eileen Der Aris: Hi, Alice. How are you? And thank you so much for having me here.

Alice Agnello: So tell my listeners who you are and what you do.

Eileen Der Aris: I'd be happy to. So my name is Eileen Der Aris and I am a life coach for young adults between the ages of 17 and 29. And I help those younger people figure out and gain more confidence and clarity so they could figure out what to do next in life. Have fun out there, yeah.

Alice Agnello: Yes. Let's layer on college and now let's layer on the pandemic right now. So there's a lot going on for that age group and their parents.

Eileen Der Aris: Yeah. Yeah. And it was tough when I first started working in this area and then COVID came and boom, it's rough.

Alice Agnello: No, it really is. My youngest son just moved out a couple of months ago and I was talking to one of his roommate's mom, because his roommate was kind of debating whether or not he wanted to stay where they are and maybe possibly come home because they basically moved up there because it's the city. And they wanted to have that city environment and that city life and both of his roommates were going to go back to school. Well, the school that they're going to basically a 100% now is online. There's nothing really social going on. And the other mom was kind of lamenting to me that the boys have nothing really to do.
And I said, I understand that. They wanted to move out and they wanted to have that experience. But the experience is not I think how they imagined it because everything is basically shut down. So the normal things that young people would go out and do, let's say to meet people, has kind of been eliminated and they have to kind of navigate these new ways of meeting people and doing things. Have you noticed that with others at all?

Eileen Der Aris: Oh gosh. Yeah. These poor kids, I have to tell you and you and me, we have to remember and just understanding human development because I'm formally a teacher. So just understanding child development, they're at an age now where socialization and I mean this all positively. Everything, this is how they are forming who they are as individuals. This is how they're developing new autonomy, developing their independence. And this is how we did it and this is how they do it. So without that connection, it's hard. And unfortunately you're seeing a lot of young people becoming very depressed as a result of it. So it's been rough.

Alice Agnello: I think that's the biggest struggle for myself and other women with kids in this age group is trying to relate to our children because our experience, I think is just completely different than what we're seeing today even without the pandemic occurring. It's just I feel like I sense there's a lot more depression. There's a lot more sadness and I can't put my finger on what's going on or how I can help my kids through that environment.

Eileen Der Aris: Well, I'll be happy to share what I've learned so far. So initially I coached parents and then after my own experiences with my young adults, going through a lot of their own turmoil and morphed into working with the young adults. So through my research and experience, I've learned there's several reasons why it's harder for them today and I'm talking pre COVID now. Why it's harder for them today than it was when we were parents. And there's several reasons. Number one is the economy. So a lot of us, when we grew up in the 80s and the 90s, the economy was a lot better. Our parents were doing better. I'm not saying everybody was rich, but people were overall doing better. They had their jobs. They had jobs for many years with lots of consistency that had healthcare and all those other benefits. So life was just a little bit more relaxed, a little bit more comfortable with that consistency.
And I'd say since the mid 2000s, not so much anymore where life and especially after the whole recession took place, a lot of the parents' homes are not as financially stable. And I'm not sure how to word that in a way that, it's just really hard for so many people. So kids are growing up in an environment that doesn't feel as safe for that one reason.
Another reason which probably won't surprise you is the security of our world today. These young people have only known a lot of them post 911. So they're growing up and have grown up a lot of them in a post 911 world. My 13 month old sat with me on the floor while I watched the towers go down. So he doesn't remember even at that time, my three-year-old, they didn't know. So they've only grown up in a world that's doesn't feel as safe. And then after that unfortunately, and I don't want to get all gooey and depressive now, but then you had the school shootings and all these other horrible things.
So again, there's this instability going on when they grow up and they have been growing up and we in the 80s and 90s generation X, we didn't experience. So again, they have that same level. And another reason, the big reason is also probably not surprising is the technology. So the technology, and again, when I discuss it, I don't say whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. So what do I mean? We as parents and again, I have a 20 year old and a 23 year old. I don't know about you and a lot of other moms and dads out there, but we keep in touch with our kids a heck of a lot more.
When I went away to college, I very rarely spoke to my parents. They had no idea what I was doing. My kids are checking in with me. Hey mom, I forgot. How do I do this? How do I? And a lot of ways, that's wonderful. But what that does is it kind of extends that dependence in a lot of ways. So how do we look at it now? So all these features make growing up different. By the time the kids get to their 20s, they're not as mature as we might have been in ours. So their development is a little longer. So where we, and I keep saying, we, so people typically drop in around the 80s, 90s, 70s, around there, we didn't have the same attachment to our parents. And we learned and grew up mostly in adolescents. So a lot of us, a lot, we went to high school, we went right into college.
A lot of people graduated college, they got a job, they got a place and then they moved on with their lives. It's not like that now. Right now the kids are either moving back home or they're moving in their parents are supplementing. And there's that whole part where they're not fully independent yet. And it's very frustrating because us parents we'll say, "How come you're still here? How come you don't have a job? How come you don't know what you want to do?" And this adds to the depression for the kids and frustration for the parents. So the more that us as parents can understand how life is different, then we could be more accepting about where it is now, and the transition can be a little bit easier.

Alice Agnello: Now, all that you just said I can identify with. And I hope a lot of my listeners can too. And it makes me realize that I need to just listen more, back off more. And I think I've been pretty hands-off to begin with, but I need to try and see if I can get even more that way as well. I mean, just this morning I was kind of laughing when you were talking because my son texted me and he's like, "I'm on my way to work but I have a stomach ache." And I'm like "Yeah, I really don't care. Why are you telling me this?"

Eileen Der Aris: Alice, my daughter just the other day since we are since we're putting it all out there, she took a picture of the back of her throat to show me one of those little white bumps that were on a tonsil. Is that what you're talking about?

Alice Agnello: Exactly. Now it's like if I had a stomach ache on my way to work when I was his age, I had to figure it out myself. Do I keep going? Do I go home and then call in sick? Do I drive to the nearest pharmacy pick up some Toms or something and then keep going to work and then I'll be a little late? I had to figure it out. And that's what just you saying that made me think about it a little bit more. And so I responded with, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And I just left it like that. And then about an hour later, he calls. He's like, "It's really bad." And I'm like, "Okay, again, I'm not really sure what you want me to do with that information. You have to make the choice, whether or not you're going go continue with work. You're going to call your boss and say, I can't work anymore. You have to figure this out. I don't know how bad, you feel figure it out."
And I don't think he really liked my attitude, but I'm like, I shouldn't be having to deal with that on a daily basis whether it's that or something else, like the throat thing with your daughter.

Eileen Der Aris: It sounds like you get it. That the whole idea is that that's kind of how our culture and we have been bringing up our kids today. So they're used to saying, honestly, my daughter does the same thing. I don't feel well, should I go to work? If I don't go to work, what are they going to say? What are? And she seems to need my validation to tell her whether she should or shouldn't. Well, that's not helpful. So how to help them transition? So one good way to help transition is to say, "Gosh that stinks you have a stomach ache or you have a sore throat. What do you think you should do?" Kind of throw it back on them. And at the same time, giving them the validation is that, "Yeah, it sucks not to feel well, I don't blame you. So then I could be like, okay. And it helps them take a deep breath and then say like, you know what? I'm like, "You got to be able to figure this out because I'm not in your body. So what do you think you should do?"
So you know, hey we're parents, we're going to get frustrated, but it sounds like that's what you're saying. And I'm watching you nod here, but it sounds like that's what you're saying. We get frustrated. Like, how am I supposed to know? But that's what they're used to.

Alice Agnello: Right. And there, I think that piece, that communication piece has been ultimately the key. I really put off getting even a cell phone for myself until my oldest son was I think an eighth grader. And he was participating more in sports. And then I felt like I needed to kind of know more information of where he was and when to pick him up and that situation on more of a regular basis. And that's when we got them. But I had really struggled with getting a cell phone for a really long time because I just didn't want to be connected.
And of course now we have accepted it as part of normal daily life. And everyone hyperventilates if I forget my phone at home for an hour to go to Target. They're like, "Oh my God, how am I going to function?" I'm like, I used to function just fine. And so, because we've added that layer of communication, I think our kids are used to communicating with us instantaneously all day long, any time, every single day. Whereas, I didn't have that with my mom at all. Like if she told me she was going to come pick me up after cheerleading practice at 3:30 and she ran late, I just knew to sit there and wait and not to panic because eventually she would show up.

Eileen Der Aris: Amazing. Can you imagine what our kids would do now if we showed up late like that. Where are you? They text us. What's taking you so long? It's so true. So true. But now you're seeing it. That's what seems, that's the gap. That's the piece. And again, it's not necessarily bad thing. It's just that we, as parents have to understand a little more so we can transition and help them learn to become more independent and help them, and for us to understand the 20s seems to be now when they're learning these things. So how could we do that? And then so talk to other moms maybe do we get the validation like you and I are doing right now? Can you believe my kid? So we can validate one another at that, but then recognize this is the way the world is now, how can we help our kids through it?

Alice Agnello: I think the pandemic just strengthens all of what we've been discussing and has pulled back the curtain in a glaring way, on how much our kids were slightly struggling, but kind of making their way. And now when a lot of things have been taken away that they're used to, they're like totally at a loss of what to do next, as you said for the social piece. So as parents, what else can we do to help our kids? Especially when we see them kind of struggling, but we don't know how to help them.

Eileen Der Aris: Well, I suppose it depends on the situation. So I've had clients recently who have lost their jobs. I mean, grownups alike, right? So clients have lost their jobs. So let's say a lot of the kids come out of college today and they don't know what they want to do. They've majored in something that doesn't instantly morph into a job, but then they figure it out and they go through it and then they get a job. Everything's great. And then, oh, there's a world pandemic. And then all of a sudden they lose their jobs. So now they've lost their connection to their friends. They've lost their social connection with their job and they don't feel like they're doing anything and they don't know what to do next. So again a lot of validation. A lot of telling them "That really stinks. I'm sorry." That they feel this way.
You know, when you said what we can do. And then you mentioned before about communication. I'd love to share with your listeners some key tips about communication. One thing that's very helpful that I've always taught people about is called acknowledgement and validation. So acknowledgement is that when you're having a conversation with your young adult or your husband, wife partner for that matter, and they're telling you something. All we want to do with people is to be heard. We want to be heard. We want to be listened to. It makes us feel good to know that somebody is hearing what we're saying. So when your young adult comes to you and says, "I don't feel good. I have a really bad sore throat." Say "Oh, you know what, that stinks. [inaudible 00:14:40]. You have a sore throat. I've had one recently and it really didn't feel good at all. I'm so sorry."
Instantly you'll notice the person that go "Okay, they get me." So now you have that person open so they can talk more because they feel like you're taking them seriously. And then the validation, which is the piece that I had already shared. It's okay to be sick. People get sick. What will you do to help yourself? What can you do to take care of yourself through this? How can I help you with it? So when you speak with your young adults or your children, for that matter with acknowledgement and validation. It's fabulous communication and that will really help open up the lines so you can be more conversational and open with your young adult. So I think during this pandemic, the more communication that you can have to help yourself through it, to help your kids through it, I think communication is key.

Alice Agnello: And then I just thought of this too, is that because my husband we were talking to my son last night on FaceTime and my son was kind of lamenting about how he wasn't able to see his girlfriend as often because she's at school and then he's here and working. And my husband kind of said, "Well, oh, it's because it's all about the girlfriend. That's all it ever is." And my son got a little ticked off and of course hung up. And so I was interested because we're used to, my husband was able to take wood shop and automotive in high school.
And we were exposed to more opportunities than just going to college in high school. And I feel like a lot of that has been eliminated and kids now struggle more because then the only path they think is available to them is going to college. And so when you're speaking with young adults, do you see that as well too? Are they still kind of struggling with the go to college, not college or it's just ingrained in them, they're going to college and that's what they have to do?

Eileen Der Aris: You know, I find this personally very frustrating this whole apart about, you know, I went to college and I'm glad I did. So just putting that out there, I really firmly believe that college is not for everybody, but our society has gotten so college focused that like you just said, it's ingrained. It was ingrained in me. And honestly, I engrave it into my kids. There wasn't no thought either way, but stepping back now, college is not for everybody, but what we've done is what we've put this whole education thing first and forefront. And now I don't know about you, but I don't know how to hang my pants. I barely know how to sew a button. I don't know how to ... I think I could change a tire if I had to know I've been watching a lot.
But what I'm saying is that these basic skills that people have had for decades we don't do know how do to now and our kids don't know how to do though, because we've become so college focused. And the colleges it's a business and the high schools look good with the most people that go, the more kids that go to college, makes their high school go up in value. So it's all a business and unfortunately we're a victim of that. But do I see it as an issue? I sure do. I sure do.

Alice Agnello: And to go back to that as you said just to sew a button on, I'm sure there are a lot of kids and young adults who don't know how to do that. And it's such a basic life skill. I'm thinking they'll just like either toss their pants or they'll just try and figure it out, or they'll come to us to then say, "Hey, can you fix this for me?" And then that would be your opportunity to say "No, I am going to teach you how to do this because this is a basic life skill that if you had possibly taken one of the home economics classes, you would have gotten that little bit of exposure to it." I mean, I remember making my own clothes when I was younger and I thought it was so much fun.
So I got those basics, but they don't teach that. Sewing machines, I mean, now it's kind of come back more of like a crafty type of a thing, but you don't see a lot of people making their own clothes at all. And to go through that process of giving basic life skills to our children. So if any listener has their kids still at home, you have to think what are the basic life skills that I can make sure to teach my children to help them be successful? And I remember my husband asking my eldest son to clean their bathroom. And he went in afterwards and was angry because nothing was cleaned really. And I said, "Did you show him how to clean the bathroom?" He's like [crosstalk 00:19:26].

Eileen Der Aris: Why should I have to show him? Isn't he just supposed to know that?

Alice Agnello: Exactly. And it made me laugh because anything that a young adult has to confront for the first time going to the DMV, going to get an oil change, calling to make a doctor's appointment, is the first time that they've done it. So they're going to automatically come to us for that little bit of help. And my husband, I think just doesn't have the patience for it. I keep trying to tell him it's the same thing when you were teaching one of our sons how to fix something with a power tool, how is that any different than showing them how to use the toilet brush correctly for cleaning the toilet? It's the same exact principle, but because there's electricity involved and in danger, I don't know. Maybe that's why he wants to be there.

Eileen Der Aris: I find that when I speak to people when I'm coaching and when I'm not, that people in general have these limiting beliefs that there's things that are obvious and I'm putting quotes up in here for obvious. And the reason I'm doing that is that what you think is obvious is really not necessarily obvious to the next person. So when do you see that? When you have a conversation with another peer of your own, "Oh, can you believe ABC said this? And ABC." I don't know about you, but sometimes I think, "Oh, well, I didn't know that. Maybe I should have known that." But what my point is, is that anyone in general, and if all of us could put that out there, just understand that whatever you think is obvious, maybe just a skill that you have, and it comes easy to you. So therefore it seems obvious, but it's not obvious to the next person.

Alice Agnello: That's what I always tell people, ask questions because trust me, someone else is going to have that same question. And they're just probably too scared to ask. And if you do, it'll be a great help for them because they won't ask and then they'll be lost the whole entire time. So what else do you see is a disconnect between kind of us as parents and our young adults?

Eileen Der Aris: What else do I see? I guess the first thing that comes to my head again is just the technology really. And I mean everything. So just to give your listeners a heads up right before I started doing this interview with Alice, I couldn't get the volume right. So I had to get my son in here to help me move the volume and change it. And he walks out thinking, "Man, I love my mom, but she's dumb as dirt." He did not say that but that's how I took it. So like you know I dread means that say, "No remember kid. I taught you how to use a spoon." But the technology piece today is difficult for us to manage as parents, especially with younger kids, because the younger kids know and they're savvy. And we may not understand how to intervene. What we understand the technology.
So, I had it with the simple one and my son is 20, but with the younger kids, it must be even more difficult. So the whole social media, and I've been discussing with my own kids, even with marketing for me. So I was thinking about, somebody told me I should do something on TikTok and I thought TikTok isn't that where you dance around in circles? I'm not doing that, but they laughed. They're like, "Mom, you cannot do that." So again, that whole bridge, that whole divide of the, and don't worry, I'm not going to dance on TikTok, but that whole divide of the technology is very difficult for the parents and the young adult or the kids to be able to connect with.

Alice Agnello: And you mentioned TikTok because I'm the same way. I'm like, it's a waste of time. I just don't see the attraction to it. And yeah, it's just a bunch of dancing and people are doing weird things. Why is that entertaining? It's not for me. Okay. It's for them. So you're not alone in that assumption at all. Is there anything else that I didn't ask you about that parents should be sympathetic to with your young adults?

Eileen Der Aris: Educate yourself in terms of how the world is different today. So you don't feel as frustrated when you're speaking to your young adult and frustrated with yourself. Why is my kid still living at home? How come my kid graduated and doesn't have a job yet? You know, all our young adults after come off of all this, meaning the school, they have lived their entire 21 years with a routine, all built in for them. And then they come out and say, "Now what?" So now your kids are grown. Now what? Well now the kids come out of college and now what? And our colleges are not unfortunately really preparing them how to function in real life. So I think the more that you can educate yourself as a parent, to be able to understand how the world is different today, you as a parent will feel more comfortable in your own skin, feel more comfortable with how you're parenting, so you can then begin to beget the steps or get the assistance that you need to be able to help your young adult through the process of being in their 20s.

Alice Agnello: Because I think that with our generation and our children, I feel, and of course I haven't lived any other generations, but there is definitely a difference now. It's a huge difference and we as parents have just got to be a little bit more open-minded and not so well, and back in my day, and I don't understand why you can't get a job and I don't understand why you don't want to go to college. And I don't want to, try and have those as you said, conversations, to really understand what your child is struggling with. Where they're coming from and why they're feeling the way they're feeling.

Eileen Der Aris: Right. Yeah. So I've had to do a lot of education with parents to be able to inform them of this. So they don't think their kids are off the wagon and they don't think that they've done something wrong. So we're going to have that whole scenario that goes back and forth. It's very difficult. And honestly, before I even entered this niche, I didn't know this either. I did all the research. I've learned through experience. I wondered the same thing. Oh no, this person's living at home at age so-and-so? Well, I'm going to tell you our parents here, you are not alone. A lot of them are. Financially the way the world is today it costs a lot, depending on what part of the country or the world you're in to live independently, financially independently. It's a lot harder out there than it ever was.

Alice Agnello: Yeah and just to have just one job. Everyone seems to have one job and a side hustle. One job and an extra, just to make sure that they can pay their bills. But if they want to do anything above paying their bills, they've got to have something else on the side, just to start off trying to enjoy what they're doing.

Eileen Der Aris: Right. I would just validate your young adults. Tell them that you know that the world is different today and that they haven't done anything wrong. My daughter's 23, she gets it. She'll talk about it. But then at the same time, it is so frustrating because they feel Alice that they are the only ones. Every client, I'm the only one who didn't get a job. I'm the only one who's not happy. I'm the only one that doesn't have a significant other. That they all feel so alone. But they're not.

Alice Agnello: Those absolute statements because I'm dealing in the same thing with my youngest son too. I have no friends, I don't have this, I can't do this. I'm going to be stuck here. And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, you're 20. It's going to be okay." I know.

Eileen Der Aris: Right. But that's for us to say right?

Alice Agnello: Exactly.

Eileen Der Aris: We've been here for all these decades, but for them, they're hearing just the opposite. "Oh my gosh, I'm 20. I still don't know what I'm doing." And the fear that runs through them is real. And that's why we'll see part of the reason why we're seeing more of the anxiety, more of the depression and the frustration that's going on. And what's making this time for young adults even before COVID, so difficult.

Alice Agnello: Yeah. The fear sometimes I feel is palpable. You know? Like, and there's, I sometimes feel like there's nothing I can do about it. You know, it's one of those things as a parent, your first instinct is "Okay, how did I create this? How did I make this be this way with my son? And how can I fix it?" And yeah, you too take on that. It's all my fault because he is this way. But it's not the right attitude to have in order to help him along in his journey and let them know that you're not alone. It's okay. And it will get through this as well.

Eileen Der Aris: Definitely. So some other things that just popped into my head that I do with my own clients is helping your young adults understand more of who they are. So when I say who are you? What's most important to you? Most of us say things like parents, family, love, that's most important, which are fabulous. But when I work with a young adult, I want to know what really makes you tick. What makes you get excited? When you hear something, even on TV, what really angers you and frustrates you? What makes you want to get out of bed in the morning? So by learning more exactly who you are, gives more confidence gives you more of a direction and you can use those values as a compass to help make decisions in life. It's fabulous. I have my own values. I keep them on my own cell phone and they change as you grow. But those values will help you do things like make decision about a job, make that decision about a friends and people who you hang around with. Classes you want to take, what major you want.
It really gives you the connection right there to help you understand more about yourself. So, that's something that's very important. And the other thing is just to develop more awareness. And these are the types of things that I teach. But the more awareness we have, the more choices that we see that we have in life in general. So in other words, if you know that when somebody lies to you for example, that really gets to you. That really irks you. So when somebody does do that and you feel yourself about to react, you can say, "Wait, hold on for a second. Why am I getting so pissed off? Oh, I can't stand people who lie. How do I want to show up in this situation? Do I want to tell them off, or do I need to just back off?"
Whatever it is you make the choice. Maybe you want to tell them well, but the fact that you're making that choice of how you want to show up in this situation gives you more control of your life and everything that goes on around you. So just building up that confidence so you can understand more of who you are, puts you on the road to figuring out where you want to go in the future.

Alice Agnello: Oh, Eileen, that was so good. It's such great advice for parents and for our children. And so how best can parents of young adults get ahold of you if they want some extra help?

Eileen Der Aris: So right now my website is under construction, but it's there and I just changed the whole thing. And I'm very excited about it. But I'll give you the web address because some things are still there. So my website is risingadultscoaching.com. But I'm also on Facebook where you can see a lot of information and I'm on Instagram and I'm on LinkedIn under all those names. And right now in Facebook, I have my own group that I'm supporting parents of young adults, or in this case, it's called supporting parents of rising young adults. So there I'm supporting the parents to help them get through this time. I'm putting up tips and ideas about things with resumes and how to communicate with your family and all sorts of fun stuff.

Alice Agnello: And of course I'll put all the links in the show notes later on, so you can go and find her there. And so here are my three questions that I ask at the end of all my interviews. Tell me something that not a lot of people know about you.

Eileen Der Aris: All right. So this took me some thought, but here's a fun story about me. I went to sleep-away camp for four summers when I was growing up and my first year of sleep-away camp, I was 10 going on 11. And I thought to myself, I want to change my name. I want to do something different. So my name is Eileen. So I took out the three letters in the middle lee and I went to camp until everybody. My name is Lee. So for four summers, my name was Lee Farbstein, that's my maiden name. And that's who I was for four years. Every once in a while, people come out of the woodwork and call me Lee or something like that. But I don't know. When I look back on that, I smile. It was like, look at this ten-year-old who's like, "I'm going to go against the grain. I'm going to do something different." So, that's something interesting about me.

Alice Agnello: That's so brave. If you think about it for a 10 year old to decide, I'm going to be independent, I'm going to choose what I want to be named. And then to go ahead and tell everybody and to keep continuing that persona for three more years.

Eileen Der Aris: Yeah, I did that either. But like you said, I'm like, man, that's a brave little kid. I'm impressed with myself. I did that.

Alice Agnello: So name three things that you can't live without, other than your friends and family.

Eileen Der Aris: Well, I had to put food on there even though that's probably a a known thing, but I'm quite a foodie for better, for worse. I like sweets. So I'm going to have to have that as one of them. But my thing is nature. I can't say I go on, on that many hikes, although I'd like to, but being around trees, the fresh air, but if I see a bird that I haven't recognized. I go crazy. If I see a strange insect, that's not too gross, I get excited. I like nature. I love all that nature stuff. So I'm going to put that as enough. That's it.

Alice Agnello: I love it. So, and if you could choose one song to play every time you entered a room for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Eileen Der Aris: The one that I came up with was Colby Caillat song, Try. I grew up as a young person without a lot of confidence. And I was different than a lot of the other young people, which was one of my motivations to become a life coach because it's my quest to be able to help other people, young adults, especially feel more competent and believe in themselves. So when you listen to the song, Try, it's all about just being who you are. Being true to yourself and not trying to impress other people. So it's a constant reminder for myself. Those people that I coach, people who I love it means a lot.

Alice Agnello: I love you that. Thank you again, Eileen, thank you so much for being a part of the podcast today.

Eileen Der Aris: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed it.

Thanks for listening!

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Alice Agnello, Lifestyle and Success Coach

I'm Alice Agnello.

I’m a California raised, incurable romantic who was too snarky for the corporate world. I love show tunes, chai tea, and all things British. My mission? To help women rediscover who they are, after their kids have grown.

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Download the FREE guide to 5 Things You Can Do This Week To Help Find Yourself. You are ready to take this next step now that the kids have grown.

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→  Work on your mindset so you can recognize negative thoughts and work to quiet them.

→  Help figure out what’s bothering you and know it’s okay to go at your own pace.

→ Understand that taking care of yourself is the most important person in your life and to release the guilt.

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