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Episode 25 – What To Do About Mom Guilt

What To Do About Mom Guilt

Free yourself from mom guilt.

Hey there Beautiful,

Today we are going to talk about mom guilt.

As mothers we are bombarded with images and definitions of what a great mother should be.

And because of all of those unattainable images and definitions, we are then led to believe that we have fallen short.

We didn’t measure up to the ideal: a woman who can have three children who excel at school and sports, a full time job with a fabulous career, a husband who adores her, perfect smile, easy breezy hair, flawless makeup, a figure any twenty year old would die for, clothing and shoes that are the latest style and so enviously cool, ability to run car pool and bake homemade cookies for the Halloween party, and a home that she decorated in the latest griege farmhouse chic which looks cozy and effortless.

What is the definition of a good mother?

I Googled the definition of “what is a good mother” just for kicks and this sentence on a very well known website which I will not tell you stopped me dead in my searching tracks.

It said, ”A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children.”

Geez laweez no wonder we as moms have so much guilt when it comes to doing things solely for ourselves.

If we don’t give, give, give and sacrifice what we want in order for our children to succeed, no WONDER we have so many thoughts in our head around guilt.

I am guilty of having mom guilt. 😇

I’ve avoided talking about this subject I think because it hits WAY too close to home.

I wrestle with mom guilt ALL THE TIME.

At least I have finally recognized the fact that I do use my brain to guilt myself into not doing things that I want to do.

Here are some of the recent things that I have felt guilty over:

  • Going out to eat AND to a movie.
  • Making a dinner that no one likes except for me.
  • Going on vacation without kids and not sharing photos with them so they won’t feel bad.
  • Spending money directly on myself, such as getting my nails done, buying a new makeup palette, upgrading to a new shampoo that a few beauty bloggers are raving about, even just replacing a mascara when I really need one.
  • Taking time to be by myself. Yes just by myself doing what I want to do, such as reading, sitting and binge watching Netflix or lazing around in bed watching movie trailers on YouTube. (Side note: My husband cannot understand why we can’t be in the same room together but be doing different things. He wants to watch ice hockey and I want to read my book. We are together even snuggling on the couch right next to each other but he wants me to be watching what he’s watching because I guess we are not really together. Sigh. Doesn’t matter how I explain my feelings on the subject. After many years we have decided to agree to disagree.) 
  • Guilt of feeling bad that I feel guilty. Yes that’s right, feeling guilty that I feel guilty.

The ONLY person who can give you a guilt trip is yourself.

As I have mentioned in previous episodes, my dad telling me about guilt trips has always stuck with me. And I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself of it.

He said, “The only person who can give you a guilt trip is yourself.”

So you know what that means?

If you are the only person that can give you a guilt trip then you are the one who can change it!

You can change your thoughts at any time. They are just thoughts which means you can change them to different ones and get a better result.

You wouldn't think twice about paying for your daughter to get her nails done, right?

So why are you sitting there wrestling with all the why you shouldn’t spend the money on yourself?

You're talking yourself out of getting your nails done.

Why?

Because you aren't good enough?

Because you should spend the money in a different way?

Because you should save the money for something that is more important like groceries?

Release the feelings of mom guilt.

I’m not saying go out and spend your money like crazy if you can’t afford it. What I’m saying is if you can, and you want to, then do it.

Go get ice cream after dinner at home on a Wednesday night.

Why?

Because you can.

And while you sit and enjoy that ice cream, dismiss immediately the feelings that this is weird without the kids and all the thoughts of “I shouldn’t be doing this” from your mind.

Start thinking about how you want to do this again, and isn’t this fun.

Reverse and release EVERY guilty thought you are believing.

We gave up what we needed for what we supposedly wanted.

From the moment our children were born we gave up so much since that’s what is expected of us as mothers.

We gave up what we needed and converted those needs into what we wanted.

Let me say that again, we allowed our needs to become our wants.

We convinced ourselves that having a good night’s sleep was what we wanted and then would feel guilty if we got it.

We persuaded ourselves to believe that if we wanted a quiet moment to read we would feel guilty if our child interrupted us for what they needed.

And how dare we even believe that doing something only for ourselves was actually something that we needed?

It’s foolish to dream about what we really did want since there was laundry piling up, a messy kitchen, and don’t even get me started on the state of the bathroom.

My mom guilt has converted to anger.

What I think is interesting is some of my mom guilt has converted into anger.

Anger at current circumstances, anger at current situations, anger at my spouse, and anger at my children for continuing to interrupt what I want to do.

But that is misdirected anger and it’s anger that has no place to go.

This is anger that I have to work through because of situations that I have allowed to occur.

I am the one who keeps giving, giving, and even more giving.

It’s not that I need to reverse that and start taking, taking, taking especially from my family.

It’s that I need to give a bit less to them, and give more to myself. And to not feel any guilt when I do.

The only thing to release you from mom guilt is you.

I know that you are probably listening to this episode in the hope that I have some magic pill, or will tell you to go download a worksheet to help solve it, or to purchase a fabulous book that will tell you how to get rid of mom guilt.

Those things don’t exist.

It will ONLY take YOU to get rid of mom guilt.

You are the only one who will recognize it.

You are the only one to reverse it.

You are the only one to stop those negative thoughts dead in their tracks.

You are the only one to think new thoughts about how you are viewing what you are doing for the wonderful gift that it is to give to yourself.

You are the only one to get rid of mom guilt and embrace the giving to yourself.

I’ll talk to you later Beautiful.

Thanks for listening!

Share your thoughts with me or ask a question about this episode. Send an email.

I would love for you to leave an honest review over at iTunes/Apple Podcasts. Your ratings and reviews really help and I read every single one.

 

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Alice Agnello, Lifestyle and Success Coach

I'm Alice Agnello.

I’m a California raised, incurable romantic who was too snarky for the corporate world. I love show tunes, chai tea, and all things British. My mission? To help women rediscover who they are, after their kids have grown.

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I want the Guide!

Download the FREE guide to 5 Things You Can Do This Week To Help Find Yourself. You are ready to take this next step now that the kids have grown.

The guide will help you:

→  Work on your mindset so you can recognize negative thoughts and work to quiet them.

→  Help figure out what’s bothering you and know it’s okay to go at your own pace.

→ Understand that taking care of yourself is the most important person in your life and to release the guilt.

Sign up to receive my whitty newsletters, tips & tricks, promotions, & other emails, & receive this free guide!