Kids Are Grown,

Now What?

Transcript

Transcript – Episode 58 – How To Set Boundaries With Val Selby

Alice Agnello:

Hey there, Val. Thanks so much for joining the podcast today. I really do appreciate it.

Val Selby:

Thanks for having me. I'm super excited.

Alice Agnello:

Me too.

Val Selby:

We have so much in common it seems like.

Alice Agnello:

I know. I'm really looking forward to what we're going to talk about today because I know that I, and a lot of my friends and people I work, with struggle with this, so I'm really excited to talk about it. But before we get to that, tell the listeners a little bit about you and what you do and all that good stuff.

Val Selby:

I am married to my high school sweetheart, and we have two grown kids. We're actually celebrating our 26th anniversary tomorrow.

Alice Agnello:

That's awesome.

Val Selby:

It's like, “Ooh, another year. We did it! We did it!” What I do is based on what I went through. I coach women that are over 40 that are just lost, and that was because I went through that process myself. As I was going through the process, I had to keep doing the process over and over again and refining it. I was surprised at how much the emptiness did hit. I was not prepared for that. I thought I was, and then it happened.

Part of what I do is I love to help women find their dammits, which is their personality traits that they absolutely are such a part of them that if they're not following them, then they're getting lost. I figured out that that was part of my problem was that I was not living as myself. I gloriously lived for my kids, and then what? Like you show everybody it's, then what? Now what?

Alice Agnello:

Because your kids were your reason to get up in the morning, to go places, to interact at school, interact with other adults. Even if you had a full-time job, there was always this other full-time job that you had. Then now with the kids out of the house and gone, there's a lot of time and there's no reason to go anywhere if you don't want to.

Val Selby:

Right. It was funny because back then I was … I'm sarcastic and I do make jokes, and I didn't realize that when I was making the joke that I would be retiring, it was not a joke. It was funny. It was hilarious. I was going to have a retirement party and everybody was on board and they're like, “That's such a cool idea.” Then as it got closer to it, I'm like, “Oh my god. I am going to retire. Holy cow! No, I don't want a party. I don't know what to do with this.”

Alice Agnello:

Yes. You're all ready to go, and then when it really, really finally sinks in, you're like, “What? Okay. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this next thing that I'm about to do.”

Val Selby:

Right, because being a parent was the only thing all through my life that I knew I wanted to do. It was the only thing that never changed. I knew I wanted to be a mom.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah, yeah.

Val Selby:

It was. Not that we're not still moms, but of course, it's totally different. After it happened, it's like, “I don't know what to do now.”

Alice Agnello:

Yes, yes.

Val Selby:

I didn't.

Alice Agnello:

Today we're going to talk about boundaries and how we set them and what that really means when we set a boundary. Val, tell me what a boundary kind of means to you?

Val Selby:

A boundary to me is realizing how you want to be treated, and it also has to do with how you want to treat others as well, I believe. I know a lot of people set … They believe that these boundaries are set and they're almost like a fence of, “Okay. You're not treating me like this.” It's like, “Wait a minute. How are you treating others as well?” You have to take that into consideration, but it's definitely setting the example of how you want other people to treat you, communicating with them.

Alice Agnello:

When we're talking about setting a boundary between like how someone is treating me … Because I know it's difficult because I feel a lot of women are taught when they're very young, “I have to be nice. I have to not speak up. I shouldn't rock the boat. I should just take what they tell me or say what they say and then just leave it as is and either walk away, turn the other cheek, something like that.” I feel like a lot of women kind of struggle with that, figuring out where that boundary is in order to make sure that they're being heard with that other person.

Val Selby:

That is a tough one because we bring our past experiences into what we believe is okay for our boundaries. I know that that's one of the things that I've loved about working with the middle-aged and women is the fact that we are absolutely leaning into the fact that we deserve to be treated in a different way and how we want to be treated. I know that that helps a lot for sure is the fact that we're already starting to come into these realizations that, “You know what? I don't have to put up with that anymore and I don't … That's not funny.”

Val Selby:

We all know those people that we're hanging out with or were hanging out with that they're making a little comment and they think that they're being funny. You start to realize how much you're taking them personal. It's like, “That's not funny anymore. It might have been funny once or twice, but now that you've said it for the 20th time in two weeks, it's just not funny anymore.” It's like you start processing, “Do I really want to hang out with that person? How's that person making me feel?” My time is too valuable to hang out with people that make me feel bad.

Alice Agnello:

It's definitely in how we … As you said, as we mature, we don't want to put up with that like anymore. We're getting to that point where we're still putting up with it and we're still trying to figure out how can I turn that switch the other way and how can I communicate that to the other person in a succinct and genuine way without them feeling threatened.

Val Selby:

Right. That definitely depends, of course, on the relationship and who … Is it family? Is it friends? Is it an acquaintance versus a friend? Which I've been really working on trying to dissociate calling everybody a friend because everybody's not our friend. We have acquaintances that we love to be around, but our friends are people that we really want to have that bonding relationship with and that if something comes up that it's a boundary buster, that we value it so much that we do want to have that conversation because we do want to keep that relationship.

Alice Agnello:

I think Facebook changed the word friend. You know what I mean?

Val Selby:

Oh my gosh. I agree.

Alice Agnello:

I think that yeah, I've got a ton of friends, but when I look at them, I'm like I don't want to offend them by quieting them because I don't understand and I don't like that they're posting. Instead of offending them by unfriending them, which is seen as a huge insult, I'll just turn them off, but you make a good point is to who are … When I look at who I hang out with, who are true friends that I interact with and appreciate and like and lift me up and who are the ones that I, as I say, I tolerate them, but I don't really want to hang out with them?

Val Selby:

Right, right. I know part of the hard part to is, why do we get to a point where we're miserable, we're unhappy with how we're being treated, and we're more worried about offending them? I think it totally comes down to what you were talking about with the female and we're here to please and we don't want to rock the boat. You really need to look at the fact that it's like that person's not really giving a crud.

Alice Agnello:

Right, right.

Val Selby:

They're not really caring about your feelings and the fact that they've hurt your feelings. Granted, you probably haven't said that, but they're not super worried about it. Why am I worried about offending them by telling them that they have hurt my feelings? It's such a process.

Alice Agnello:

And I always tell people they have no idea that they're affecting you that way if you're not communicating with them.

Val Selby:

Right.

Alice Agnello:

It's like, how am I supposed to … Like if it's my birthday and I expect my husband to buy me a gift and cake and dinner, this is what my expectations are, but I don't communicate my expectations to him, I'm setting him up to fail because I didn't tell him what I wanted him to do. Then I get mad at him because all I get is takeout.

Val Selby:

That's so funny that that's the example you used because when I was going through … I had a whole bunch of changes that happened all at once because of life changes and because I was just done. I stopped being the birthday martyr at the same time. I had always had the worst birthdays. I told myself I'd had the worst birthdays. I still have to stop myself from saying it, but the last few years, I'm like, “You know what? He really wants to know what I want and I'm not telling him.” Like you said, I'm setting him up for absolute failure. There's no winning because he can't read my damn mind, versus now I'm like, “Okay. It's my birthday. He's asked what I wanted.” I'm like, “You know what? I want to go and do this, this, this, and this.” Guess what? I have a pretty damn amazing birthday then.

Alice Agnello:

Right, right. What was really funny is my birthday was in March, and so I told my husband, “I want to do this, this, and then I want to go to the movies and I'm going to do this and this.” He's like, “Oh.” I was like, “Wait. You can't have that reaction because I just told you what I'm going to do and you can't be upset that that's what I want to do.” He's like, “Oh, well I just wanted to do blah, blah, blah together.” I was like, “I really don't care. It's my birthday.”

Alice Agnello:

But I love the phrase that you used, the birthday martyr. That's exactly what it is. Now that you've said it, it reminds me that my mother will kill me if she listens to this, but that's what she did on her birthday was she was always, “So disappointing. I hate my birthday.” I always thought to myself, “What do you want? Tell me and I'll do anything for you”, but she wouldn't communicate. Then she would have that martyr attitude the whole entire day, that, “My day is horrible.”

Alice Agnello:

Yeah. Thank god we've evolved. Now I just tell people, “This is what I want.” I even came up with a list of things my family could do. I had a list of free things that you could do for any occasion for mom and then a list of things that you could do if you had money. I put that out and I said, “Look, you don't have to do anything for my birthday, but you keep asking. Here you go.”

Val Selby:

Right.

Alice Agnello:

Clean room, clean the house, these things make me happy.

Val Selby:

Yep.

Alice Agnello:

Very easy.

Val Selby:

Wash the toilet and I will love you so dearly.

Alice Agnello:

Exactly. To go back to what you were saying though, as you were saying about setting up that boundary, if someone is offending you in some way or speaking to you how you don't want to be treated, you have to be able and willing to explain why you're feeling that way, “I don't appreciate what you are doing or saying”, and not be afraid to communicate that with the fear that they're going to either A, retaliate, B, not understand, or be offended in some way. You just have to realize that that could happen in all ways.

Val Selby:

Yeah. You have to evaluate, do you want to keep being miserable and have your feelings hurt, or do you want to have the conversation and possibly the relationship's over? That's just the way it is, but there's nothing you can do to control it. You can only control the fact that you don't want to be treated this way anymore or talked to or any of … Whatever your choices are, you don't want to be in that space anymore. I know for quite a while I was teaching boundaries and we were coming into all these hard conversations. It gets heavy. It's super easy to get boundaries and just go really heavy because there's lots of people in your life that you do want to keep in your life and you do have to have hard conversations with them.

Instead, I've been really leaning into helping women choose the relationships that they don't have the boundary issues with and really, really focus on those. If you're more focused on those positive boundaries that you already have in place and being around those people more, you're not going to have as much time to hang out with those people that are the boundary breakers. It's kind of like you're pushing them out, but you don't even have to because now, all of a sudden, you're hanging out with all these people that are making you happy. It's going to be a lot easier to have those conversations with the people that are kind of stepping over the boundary. You're just like, “I just got to have a little talk.” It's like, “I'm so happy that yeah, I do want to have that talk because they're coming into my happy space.”

Alice Agnello:

To what you said, if you've got more people in your life that you enjoy and you have a good relationship and good boundaries with, it will remind you and give you something to look up to, if that makes sense. Like if you are having a conflict at work with a coworker or even your boss, you will then finally eventually realize that, “I don't want to be in this kind of relationship with this person anymore.” If I have to somehow either get out of this job, find a new one, it's an acceptance of, “I'm not going to tolerate what they're doing anymore”, because they're not going to change. You might not want to have the conversation with them because you just know that it could just go in a million different directions, or you want to have a good reference for goodness sakes-

Val Selby:

Right?

Alice Agnello:

… to someplace else.

Val Selby:

Exactly. Yeah. It makes it a little bit easier because then once you've got more people in your life that you really do want to have in there because they're in the same sync with your boundaries, it'll attract more. As you attract more, it just keeps pushing those other people farther out. You're spending less time with them. You get to choose, “Do I have a conversation or do I just stop having any conversation?” It doesn't have to be quite … We don't have to make it difficult. There are some people that have just been in our lives for a season and that season's over.

Alice Agnello:

Right, and it's okay that that occurred and happened and moved on from that.

Val Selby:

Isn't that such a huge thing to learn, that it's okay?

Alice Agnello:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Val Selby:

Oh my gosh. I've been working through that because I didn't realize the fact that I learned it from my dad that once you have a friend, they are friends for life no matter how much … No matter how they treat you and treat you like a doormat, they are friends for life. As soon as I figured that out … This is just recently, like in the last few weeks, I realized where this had come from. As soon as it popped into my head that that is how I've watched my dad with all of his friendships, I went, “Oh my gosh. I know where it came from, and it can go away now.”

Alice Agnello:

Right.

Val Selby:

Because that's not my truth. It never should have been his truth because watching him go through that with no boundaries was just horrible, horrible.

Alice Agnello:

I think you have like different levels of friendships with people. I have girlfriends who I don't talk to every day, I don't text every day, but as soon as she or I will reach out to each other, it's like five back and forth. I know that if she needed me or I needed her, it would be instant. Then I've got other people that I do communicate with more frequently. Just thinking there's just all these levels of different kinds of friendships.

Alice Agnello:

I notice though like in this time of our lives, it's a difficult one to try and go out and find new friends because I feel like we all regressed to high school and then we've got the whole cool kids and how do I do this. There's like a part of dating on the whole entire part of it too, trying to find new friendships if you haven't had any or you realize that the ones you do have are not serving you anymore.

Val Selby:

Yeah, yeah. Gosh. This is why I love talking to so many more women that are my age, just because one of my super powers is the fact that I share. When I share more than other women are sharing, I didn't really realize that everybody else is going through that same thing with their friends.

Alice Agnello:

Right.

Val Selby:

You just assume it's you. You know what I mean? It's just like-

Alice Agnello:

Because you don't talk about it. You just don't talk about it. You just think, “Oh, there's something wrong with me. It's got to be me.”

Val Selby:

Yeah, yeah. Because I felt the same way. All of a sudden, it just turned into high school. Being married to our high school sweethearts, it's super easy because we've been together for 30 years now, dating for 30 years now, and I'm just looking at him going, “Oh my god. This is so much like going back 30 years ago with so and so and so and so and so and so.” He knows exactly what happened. I'm like, “I probably need to stop this. It's not worth it, right?” He's like, “Yeah. And I don't really want to hear about it anymore. I had to hear about that problem back then for how many years, and I don't really want to hear about it with new names.”

Alice Agnello:

In order to cultivate like new relationships or ones that you have, do you have any suggestions on how to go about that, in order to balance out the ones … If you have people in your life that you have great, respectful boundaries with, how can you cultivate more of those in order to lessen the noise over on the other side?

Val Selby:

First, I really love it if women take a look at the relationships that they think are amazing and they will write down why they think they're amazing. Write down the parts. What makes you so happy to talk to that person, to be around that person? Is it shared hobbies? Is it just how they make you feel and you just can't explain it? That's fine. Write that down too.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah, yeah.

Val Selby:

But especially if you find out it's because of a hobby, sometimes you can find out … I know that's one of the hard things right now too is trying to get out there and try new things. Once you've written that list down of things that you have found that you like in those relationships, go try new things. You'll be surprised how now that you're looking for some more of that, you'll be more open to actually finding it again. Also, just knowing the fact that you can go try new things and meet new people and they don't have to be your friends.

Alice Agnello:

Right. Yes. It might not work out. Again, just like dating. Just because you went out with the person doesn't mean that you have to then go out again and again and again. I feel like women when we're trying out these friendships … You know what I mean? It's like it has to be an instantaneous clicking and then we're like back off if it's not.

Val Selby:

Right.

Alice Agnello:

But we don't know how to awkwardly back off.

Val Selby:

Right, because we're going to do everything and we get together and we make all these plans. It's like, “Oh, we're going to go get mani/pedis every month.” It's like, “Oh, oh wait. We did mani/pedis and I don't want to do that again.” It's like, “That was awkward and uncomfortable.” It's okay not to do it.

Alice Agnello:

Right, right.

Val Selby:

I think that's … Part of the issue too is if we've gotten lonely, then we are desperately searching out for that contact. I know that that can get a little bit tough too. I had to work through all of that when we had transitions with all the different friends as we've grown. Then all of a sudden, it's like, “I need to fill the void.” If you're just trying to fill the void, you're going to fill the void with people that are not going to respect any part of your boundaries usually because they're just as desperate.

Alice Agnello:

It's true.

Val Selby:

Because you've attracted somebody that's desperate too usually.

Alice Agnello:

Right. You have to be ready to accept it may work out, and you have to be ready to accept that it might not work out, and that's okay. I don't know. For me, it's easier to let down a guy I was dating to say, “Yeah, I don't think this is going to work. I just think we're in different paths or whatever”, but when you communicate that with a woman, I don't know. It just sounds odd to me, but maybe I just need to work on my language a little bit.

Val Selby:

I don't know because I'm one of those ones that I'm like, “If we're going to have a conversation … ” I'd have to say it's because we've had some of those hard conversations and we've been totally burned.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Val Selby:

Because what we said and what they heard were not the same whatsoever. I can picture a conversation that I had and it was like playing the radio game once it got out to other friends.

Alice Agnello:

Yes.

Val Selby:

But I was like, “That is not anything that went down between her and my conversation.” That was when I really started to set boundaries was the fact that I had other people getting into all of this. I'm like, “This had nothing to do with all of you.” Talk about high school.

Alice Agnello:

Yes, yes, yes.

Val Selby:

This was only a few years ago and it was exactly like high school all over again. I'm like, “This was a conversation between her and I. It was a civil conversation. Nothing got ugly. What any of you want to talk about or spread about or any of that, I can't control.”

Alice Agnello:

Right.

Val Selby:

I had to put my big girl panties on, and it was so hard because that's not my personality. My personality is come out with fists flying and tell everybody how they're wrong. I'm like, “Oh my god. Did I just grow up a little?”

Alice Agnello:

What you were saying earlier, it's hard when you've got the past right there on your shoulder and you say to yourself, “Okay. Every time I've asked a woman to go meet for coffee, like we meet at a yoga class and she seems kind of cool, and I feel like every time I've always put myself out there and asked someone to coffee, it's always been a no.” Then you just keep all that with you and you're like you don't want to do it again because you don't want to face rejection again.

I remember reading this book. I think it's called Go For No. Basically, it's about when you're selling that you should keep trying to sell to the person until that person actually says the word no. It's not the same … If the woman does say, “No, I don't want to go for coffee”, that's fine. Then I will try again. I should try again with someone else until I finally get a yes. Then we can connect, and then maybe that's the one that will work out, but it's hard to disconnect from the past hanging on your shoulder because it's your mind going and saying, “It didn't work out before. It's never going to happen. It's not going to work out again.”

Val Selby:

And the fact that maybe it was a, “No, not right now.”

Alice Agnello:

Correct.

Val Selby:

What if they had plans or what if they just were having a really crappy day and they're just like, “I can't put it into meeting someone new for the first time and having a conversation”? I know that's part of the hard part to is not taking it personally. It's hard not to.

Val Selby:

But we were talking about friends for the boundaries, and I know that there's a lot of people that have issues with boundaries with their family members too.

Alice Agnello:

Oh yes. I was going to say, it's always like the parent usually that's still there and/or reverse, you actually need to set better boundaries for your kids because they're screaming at you because you're not giving them the boundaries.

Val Selby:

Oh gosh. Yeah. With the kids, the kids is hard for me because I'm the one that's got to have the boundary. I got to step the heck back, stop being that mom.

Alice Agnello:

That's a hard one when you've been, let's say, the decision maker for a number of years or the advisor and you've been the one telling your child what to do. Then all of a sudden one day, they come back at you and then you realize, “Oh, that's the moment.”

Val Selby:

Right, right. Yep. I'm getting pretty good at saying, “Oh, you know what? You're right.”

Alice Agnello:

Yes.

Val Selby:

“And thank you for bringing it to my attention.” I will tell them, point blank, “Guess what? I'm probably going to do this again and you're going to have to tell me again, but please do tell me again.”

Alice Agnello:

Right. And giving them the permission. You know what I mean? You just gave them permission to say, “It's okay. You need to tell me when I'm doing like this. I'm going to do it again.” Then you've got to then be smart enough to recognize when you're doing it and not get angry then at your child for asking for space.

Val Selby:

Oh, for sure. Yeah. That was one of the things that … I love to tell this story because I had to have a boundary discussion with my mom. I can still picture us sitting on the front porch having this discussion because it was possibly the hardest thing I've ever done because I knew during this discussion I was going to break her heart because I was setting a boundary with my brother that I wasn't going to be around him anymore. I knew I was absolutely breaking her heart, but the positive thing is we had this hard conversation, and it took us a little while to get back through it, but because I had that conversation with her and told her truthfully how I felt and how we needed to go forward, our relationship is better than ever because there's nothing we can't talk about now.

Alice Agnello:

Right, right.

Val Selby:

There's not possibly a conversation that will ever be more difficult than that one where we were sitting there having.

Alice Agnello:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Val Selby:

Getting through the yuck and the icky conversations with people that you love and you need to have it and it hurts, there can be such a positive thing out of it. It just totally changes relationships for the better.

Alice Agnello:

And you can't worry about the unknown. You just can't because you have to come from a place of, “I've got to do this for me to make myself feel better, my feelings, my insides, my heart, just my mind, everything, and then know that I will have communicated what I wanted or needed, I set the boundary, and I can't control it from there”, which is a hard one to accept.

Val Selby:

Yeah, because we want to control it so bad.

Alice Agnello:

Oh gosh. Yes.

Val Selby:

It's so important when you're having the conversation … It's like you kept saying the I statements. It's so important to go into them with, “This is how I'm feeling. This is what I see.” Even when I was talking about how I was cutting that relationship out, I was not going into how he's acted and all of that. I was just purposely going into, “I have to do this for my safety, for my piece of mind.” I had to keep it as personal as possible. I still don't know how I got through that conversation and was so grown up about it.

Alice Agnello:

You blocked parts out probably. That's what-

Val Selby:

I probably did.

Alice Agnello:

What are some indicators that you know you're overstepping that boundary with your child?

Val Selby:

The pretty easy one is when they're not texting you back.

Alice Agnello:

That is a complaint I hear a lot is women are very upset that their children are not communicating with them more than they need to, or they want to know more about what's going on in their lives and they're frustrated with that.

Val Selby:

Yeah. I am right now trying to pay attention to the fact that when I was my kids' age, they're 25 … By 25, I was completely back-talking to my mom because I'd had two children at that point. That part's totally different, but my son's 22, and at 22, I wasn't picking up the phone. My parents knew nothing about what's going on. We didn't have cell phones. I look back to the fact that when I went off to college, they only heard from me if I needed money I think. If you look back, it's like there wasn't the constant back and forth, so I'm really, really, really working hard on the fact that, “You know what? They have their own life.” Yeah, I guess if he doesn't text me back, she texts me all the time, but if he's not texting me back, it's like, “You know what? We didn't either back then. We might have not even answered the answering machine or called back or any of that, and we turned out okay.”

Alice Agnello:

I think technology has allowed us better communication when they're younger, in junior high or high school. You really do need to know where they are just to ensure their safety and to understand what's going on in their lives, but you can't apply that same principle at that young age to when they're in their 20s because they are technically an adult and they're trying to be an adult. If you're coming up behind them and just giving them the same boundaries that you did when they were in high school and junior high, they're going to rebel automatically because you shouldn't have to communicate as much as back then.

Val Selby:

I know my husband and my boundary issues that we'll have is the fact that, and it's every generation from the beginning of every parenting, you don't want to watch them go through the same struggles that you went through. Every parent wants their children to have an easier life than they did. They're not because they're just as stupid as we were at that age and they're going to make the same stupid mistakes, the same stupid mistakes my parents made. It's like we're still all stupid at that age.

Alice Agnello:

Exactly. Or they're making new mistakes that we couldn't even have thought of because it's a different time period, it's a different technological time period. We can't even under … There's so many apps I don't want to even understand what's going on. They can worry about it with their children someday.

Val Selby:

Yeah. If we look at some of the stuff that we screwed up supposedly, by our parents' standards, it's just like we have the process now where we can look back and go, “You know what? That was actually a turning point where some of this changed, or that was a turning point where I, the next week, left that job and went to another job, or all of that kind of stuff.” It's just like we can't protect them. I know that that's part of the issue with my boundaries is the fact that I just want to protect them so much that you don't want them … They can't grow. They're not going to grow at all. If we could, if we had our way and we could protect them, and they did everything we said, they wouldn't grow because then they'd be that whiny kid that's just like, “Mom, now what do I got to do? What do I … ” I don't want that either.

Alice Agnello:

Because then as you get older and you get better at what you're doing, then all of a sudden, you set it up so, as you were saying, that then your child is relying on you for everything as you get older. You're like, “What did I just do?”

Val Selby:

Right. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah. Exactly. Is there anything else that I haven't touched upon that you wanted to talk about with boundaries at all?

Val Selby:

No. I just really want to make sure that everybody … I love to leave with a more positive part of the boundaries. Once you've started figuring out who you want to be around and why you want to be around them, just really work on bringing them into your life more. Work on hanging out with them more, doing more things with them, because, especially if there's a couple of you, guess what? You're going to attract even more of that. There's the whole manifesting and all of that. I know people think that's woo-woo, but it's not woo-woo. Like attracts like.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah. I believe in the woo as well. No, I-

Val Selby:

I do. I'm in a year long class right now for it. But it really does work. Mostly, the woo-woo part, for those of you that don't like the woo-woo, is the fact that once you realize what you do want in your relationships, you're going to see it more.

Alice Agnello:

Yes.

Val Selby:

You don't even realize how much all of that's already around you and been present around you because you weren't looking for it, but now that you are looking for certain things, you'll be able to spot it when it does happen. Perhaps that's the manifesting part is that you're aware that it's in your life.

Alice Agnello:

No. I completely agree. I love it. All right, Val. I got my three questions that I ask all of my interviews at the end. First one is tell me something that not a lot of people know about you.

Val Selby:

I had a couple on this one because, of course, I can't stick to rules I guess. I know that the people who really, really know me know that I'm not an extrovert, but a lot of other people think that that's … They assume I'm an extrovert because I talk a lot and I laugh a lot, and if I'm at a party, you know where I'm at, that kind of thing. You always know where I'm at in the room, but I'm actually not. I'm an ambivert, so I absolutely love all of that, but I can be at home for weeks on end without a problem.

Alice Agnello:

Yes. You need to recharge a little bit away from all of-

Val Selby:

Yeah, yeah. Another one that's not off of that is the fact that I gave up a full ride volleyball scholarship to college to go to college with my husband instead.

Alice Agnello:

Oh wow. Wow. What a big decision that was at that age.

Val Selby:

Oh yeah. I look back at it and like oh my gosh, I was the worst brat ever. I must have broke my parents heart, but it worked.

Alice Agnello:

It worked out.

Val Selby:

If I hadn't gone to college with him, who knows if it'd worked?

Alice Agnello:

Right.

Val Selby:

No complaints.

Alice Agnello:

I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's the movie Sliding Doors, where it's Gwyneth Paltrow's in it and it's the same concept. Basically, it shows the movie as if she got on the subway and then it shows the movie if she didn't make the subway and how her life kind of still … It's such a good … It's an old movie, but just because what you said, it's such a good movie because it shows you kind of like the two paths and how did she end up on the same course but just in a roundabout way. You never know if-

Val Selby:

I totally wrote that down. I'm totally watching that.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah. It's totally good. It's so good. Then name three things that you can't live without other than your family and friends.

Val Selby:

Okay. I count internet and computer as one thing.

Alice Agnello:

Yes.

Val Selby:

That's the number one. My number two is … Actually, I guess this would be my number one is my Jeep. I never knew I could love a possession as much as I love my Jeep.

Alice Agnello:

That's awesome.

Val Selby:

I just go sit in it in the garage and it feels happy. I just love it.

Alice Agnello:

Nope. I can feel that way. I can feel that too.

Val Selby:

Then I've got this silly obsession with Bath and Body Works. I was even thinking about the fact of how I got it. Bath and Body Works was one of the first time that I actually started putting myself first.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah. I can see that.

Val Selby:

Because I had one day where I was like a total aha moment and I was putting away groceries and I had the expensive stuff that I bought my daughter. This was way back. They were still at home even. The expensive stuff I bought my daughter because it's her favorite and I want to buy her her favorite. I got some stuff for my son because it's his favorite and he likes his favorite, expensive stuff that I had for my husband, and then here's my $0.99 crap that I'd bought myself. I was in the shower and I'm like, “Are you kidding me? You spent like $20 on the three of them and $0.99 on yourself.” I'm like, “That is so what your mother would do and did.” That was the second that I got on Bath and Body Works and I bought the $3 soap that makes me happy.

Alice Agnello:

Good. Yes. I can totally identify with what you just said. Totally.

Val Selby:

Like, “Nope. You will not be like your mother.”

Alice Agnello:

If you could choose one song to play every time you entered a room for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Val Selby:

The hilarious thing is the song came on Pandora right before we got on. I'm like, “Yes!”

Alice Agnello:

I love it.

Val Selby:

It is I don't even know how old because I only started listening to some of the older stuff recently, but it's Meghan Trainer, Me Too.

Alice Agnello:

Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Val Selby:

Yeah.

Alice Agnello:

Yeah.

Val Selby:

A lot of the time, I won't even know all of the words to the song, but the beat and everything she's saying, I'm just like, “Yep.”

Alice Agnello:

Yes. No, I've been-

Val Selby:

That song the first time I heard it, I was really going through some growth and it came on and I was like, “Yeah. I could listen to that every day, all day. Dance around my house. Yep.”

Alice Agnello:

You need to make it your lip sync song. I always tell people everyone needs one song that's their lip sync song, that you know all the words to, so that just in case you get pulled up on stage, you know at least one song that you can then sing to.

Val Selby:

Even though this one's only been like in my life for like six months, like I said, I don't know how old it is, I bet I could get on stage and sing it.

Alice Agnello:

There you go. You're ready.

Val Selby:

Absolutely my song.

Alice Agnello:

Thanks again, Val, for coming on. I really do appreciate it. If my listeners want to know more about you or how to find you, how is the best way to find you?

Val Selby:

Thanks for having me. This is so much fun. I appreciate having the conversation. I am at yourboldlife.com. I've got a podcast, workshops, coaching in the works. I love to talk to women that are over 40. I would just love to meet you on Facebook. I'm everywhere.

Alice Agnello:

Excellent, excellent.

Val Selby:

I'm everywhere.

Alice Agnello:

I'll put all links in the show notes of course so you guys can make it easier to find her. Again, thanks so much, Val. I appreciate it.

To listen to the episode instead, click here.

Affiliate links included. May receive a small compensation.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Scroll to Top

I want the Guide!

Download the FREE guide to 5 Things You Can Do This Week To Help Find Yourself. You are ready to take this next step now that the kids have grown.

The guide will help you:

→  Work on your mindset so you can recognize negative thoughts and work to quiet them.

→  Help figure out what’s bothering you and know it’s okay to go at your own pace.

→ Understand that taking care of yourself is the most important person in your life and to release the guilt.

Sign up to receive my whitty newsletters, tips & tricks, promotions, & other emails, & receive this free guide!

Wait!
Before you go, get the Guide!

Download the FREE guide to 5 Things You Can Do This Week To Help Find Yourself. You are ready to take this next step now that the kids have grown.

The guide will help you:

→  Work on your mindset so you can recognize negative thoughts and work to quiet them.

→  Help figure out what’s bothering you and know it’s okay to go at your own pace.

→ Understand that taking care of yourself is the most important person in your life and to release the guilt.

Sign up to receive my whitty newsletters, tips & tricks, promotions, & other emails, & receive this free guide!