I lost my purpose. How do I go about finding my purpose again?
Hey there Beautiful!
How do you find your purpose again in midlife after your kids and family have taken up ALL OF YOUR TIME? I will get to that but before we do:
Do you need a minute? Do you need a minute to just stop using your brain to figure out what’s for dinner, or to stop the constant information overload over what is going on in the world right now?
Whatever you’re choosing to focus your thoughts on right now, stop and listen to my voice. Let’s take a minute and take a few deep breaths.
In… Out… Relax your shoulders from the weight of all your worries.
Breathe In… Out…
Accept that your never ending to-do list will never be completely done. That’s okay.
Release what’s worrying you. No amount of worrying is going to change the outcome.
Give yourself grace and compassion.
Know that you can’t solve everyone’s problems as fast as you want to, especially your own.
Stay open to possibilities and say yes to those possibilities that scare and challenge you.
"No" is an overused word.
“No” is a word that most of us used A LOT as our children grew up. You shrieked, “NO!” as your toddler son climbed over the baby gate and narrowly avoided falling down the stairs. You firmly said, “No,” when he asked to use your car when his bedroom was still a disaster with dirty clothes covering every inch of his bedroom floor.
You said, “No,” to your daughter when she decorated her sister with permanent markers. And you tirelessly said, “No,” as she repeatedly asked you if her boyfriend could come over when no parent was in the house.
You say, “No” to yourself for buying a $10 nail polish since that money should be spent on something better or more important. You say, “No” to seeing your friend for dinner since a project’s deadline at work is fast approaching and you don’t know how you’re going to get it all done in time.
Because you have been using the word, “No,” so frequently for a number of years, it’s very difficult to stop saying it, especially to yourself.
I know it’s a problem for me so when I see so many women using “No” when they’re talking about themselves on social media, my heart constricts with sympathy and then with an outpouring of love, I think, “Don’t do that. You have incredible value but you’re too close to see it.”
These women say that they have no purpose or have lost their sense of purpose. For this episode I’m going to answer a woman named Nicole’s question (name has been changed), “My kids gave me such a sense of purpose. They were my life and this isn’t easy. How do I find my sense of purpose again?”
“How do you find your purpose?” is such a heavy and loaded question.
It ranks up there in heaviness with the other questions of, “What is the meaning of life?” and “How do you find happiness?”
If you asked ten people the question, “How do you find your purpose?” you will get ten completely different answers.
With each answer that you receive you will be looking for the evidence that justifies your definition of purpose.
You will only take the bits and pieces of what everyone says that make sense to you.
How did you decide that you have no purpose?
How did Nicole come to that conclusion?
How did she decide that she has no purpose?
Who told her that she has no purpose?
Did she stop living since she has no purpose?
Did she stop being a mom since she now believes she has no purpose since her children no longer need her?
She has chosen now to define her life as having no purpose.
Children give you a false sense of your purpose since they take up SO MUCH of your time.
Children are not Nicole’s sense of purpose. They are a responsibility that she chose to accept. Her children bring joy and sorrow, with a side of unconditional love. They give her an unbelievable amount to do and take up a large amount of time. They kept her busy until they didn’t anymore because her children grew up.
So because they were with her for such a long time the belief became a reality.
Nicole believed that her purpose of her life was her children. When her children left, her belief changed since her children are no longer there, she then concluded she now has no purpose.
How is purpose defined?
The dictionary defines purpose as “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, or used.” Nicole believes that the reason she solely exists is to be a mother. She allowed herself to be sucked into the idea that her kids gave her purpose.
It was super easy to do. Nicole gave and gave. Her kids received, and as her kids grew up they pushed back to establish that they were their own person. That’s what kids are supposed to do.
But as Nicole keeps giving and her kids put up barriers to stop receiving, because they want to be their own person and make decisions themselves, Nicole then assumes that her life no longer has purpose. Because if she can’t give to her kids, who is she supposed to give to? If her kids can’t be the reason she exists, how does she define who she is?
So what is your purpose?
Your purpose is when your gifts, talents, and skills all intersect and you’re able to use them everyday.
What energizes you?
What lights you up from the inside?
What makes time go by so fast when you’re in the middle of doing it?
What is so effortless to you that when someone asks you how you do it, your answer is, “I just do.”
Don’t confuse what you’re good at with what lights you up.
For example, I’m really good at baking. I like creating something that tastes as good as it looks. But that doesn’t mean that it lights me up. Baking is not something that I feel compelled to do everyday because it inspires me. You need to identify what inspires you because it’s not your kids.
What lights you up inside and gives you endless feelings of joy?
Something that does light me up is strategizing and planning. I love it when someone says to me, we have this problem and we don’t know how to solve it.
Watch out because I will think of five different ways to solve that problem and can get so lost in planning all the details so that there is only one outcome, success.
I once planned this booth at a local wine tasting event for the food company I used to work for. I planned the heck out of that thing and I loved it when my boss would come up to me as we were setting up and say, “Did you remember to do this?” and “Did you remember to bring that?” Every question he had I answered yes and yes and yes to that too. Don’t doubt me and my planning and execution skills!
STOP telling yourself that you have no purpose! It's a lie.
This is what I want to say to Nicole and all other women who believe that they have no purpose.
You have purpose.
You need to focus on the future instead of your past. Once you make the choice to focus on the future, the fear and anxiety you are experiencing will drastically go down.
Nicole was focusing on her past and what she thought her life’s purpose was supposed to be in her future. But that can’t happen. Nicole knows what she needs to do but she’s putting it off because she’s afraid. She’s comfortable where she is and is afraid of what she might find. She’s putting too much stress on herself to figure out who she is and the reason she was put on this earth.
Go ask a few friends how to describe your strengths and it may lead you to your purpose.
Nicole may not see her purpose right away because she’s too close to it.
She needs to ask friends or family what they believe she’s good at. Then take what they tell her and think on it for awhile and see if they’re right.
And it’s totally okay if they’re not. It’s just their opinion. Her purpose is on her.
If Nicole sees someone else doing something that makes her jealous, that could be a hint that that’s what she wants to do. Just because someone else might have what you want, is there less to go around? It doesn’t mean there is less and you can’t get your share.
Nicole should think of a way to incorporate trying something new that’s not too drastic. She needs to figure out a way to incorporate what does light her up either after work or on the weekends. And maybe, eventually to find a way to make her purpose a full-time job.
Imagine that finding your purpose is like taking a journey through a book and you are the main character.
Nicole should pretend that she’s a character from a book and is going on a journey, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy goes down the yellow brick road to find the Emerald City in order to ultimately find her way back home. Nicole should go down her own yellow brick road in order to find out what sparks that flame inside of her that brings her joy and provides her a sense of purpose.
All the answers that she seeks are inside of her.
What's something you could do today to help find your purpose?
If you are one of these women who is struggling to find your purpose, I hope this episode has helped you reframe your belief that you have no purpose.
That is just NOT true.
Try one thing that’s out of your comfort zone so you won’t be in the same place six months from now, still struggling to find your purpose in life.
Join the 5 day FREE workshop!
And today, I’m announcing a FREE 5 day workshop called, “Get Unstuck, Move Forward, And Find Yourself Again.” Click HERE to find out all the details and most importantly to sign up. The free 5 day workshop will begin on April 20, 2020 so sign up so you can find out all the details first!
I’ll talk to you later Beautiful!